I was and now I'm not

I lost it.

I was going to go up Logan Canyon today with Tim's family. I was going to have Alyssa tell them she's going to be a big sister. I was going to have a great day.

I started cramping a little when I got on the freeway. Not a lot of pain, not enough to make me stop or worry, more just uncomfortable. I decided to take a pit stop in Brigham City. Sure enough, I was bleeding.

I freak out. I call the doctor. I get back on the freeway and head back to Salt Lake. Poor Alyssa. She's sad, she knows she won't be seeing her cousins. This isn't fair to her.

45 minutes later I call the doctor back. I'm still bleeding. The nurse tells me to go the er.

Blood test. IV fluids. Ultra sounds.

They couldn't see a sack on the ultra sound, but say that it may be too small because I'm only 5 weeks along. That was nice of her to say.

The doc said the ultra sound echoed the blood results. My level had gone from 10 on the 18th, to 67 on the 21st, and back to 43 today. My pregnancy is over. Who knows when it ended.

I'm confused. I'm furious. I'm hurt.

I'll be ok. For now, I have Alyssa. She is my ray of sunshine. She's going to keep talking about being a big sister. Oh how I hope I can make that happen for her. It will kill me if I can't.

We shouldn't have said anything to anyone. It was too soon. I should know better.

I don't want pity. I don't want people who don't know to pretend they do.

I am grateful for one thing. I wasn't very far along. I never heard a heartbeat. I never felt anything move. If I had to miscarry, this is when I would choose to do it. It still sucks.

On the other hand, I feel gypped. I never got to hear a heartbeat or feel movement. I want that experience. More than almost anything.

I'm so confused. Linford gave me a blessing that said because of my faithfulness and the many prayers offered on our behalf the Lord has allowed me to carry and give birth to this child. What? Really? Ok. Guess not?

I don't get it. Any of it. Which makes me mad. Pissed really. I'm pissed, bitter, confused, broken... whatever...

The Deed is Done

Well, it's done. It wasn't bad at all, the procedure, that is. Now I'm just trying to figure out how I feel about where I'm at. For now, I'm kind of numb. Numb, but mostly at peace. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Feeling the Surge to....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it's happening. I THINK I'M SURGING! PERT NEAR OVULATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Insert flailing arms, spastic jumping and running through out the house whilst holding le pee stick)

Tonight's To-Do List
Plan A - Drink lots of water and try to sleep
Plan B should Plan A fail - drink lots of water then laundry, dishes, watch the Breakup, clean living room, scrapbook

Tomorrow's To-Do List
5am - pee then drink lots of water so that at...
7am - pee again
7:04am - call andrologist's office with results, probably have to leave a message
7:05am - ????? wait for my call to be returned for instructions on when to show up for my basting.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please send all good ju-ju and prayers my way.
Thanks

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!