Peace

Sweet G-ma LaWana came in to Old Navy, out of the blue, and told me she had $500 ready and waiting any time we were ready to try to get pregnant. The days following her visit, and preceding the test results, Tim and I had been discussing our options in regards to how much dinero we'd be able to realistically dish out. IVF is SO far out of our league. So. Far. Even with Gram's 500 smackeroos.

The test results were going to be the determining factor in our decision. If we could boost Tim's sperm count, we'd try artificial insemination (assuming the drugs wouldn't have ANY CHANCE of affecting his kidney). If not we'd get donor sperm and try artificial insemination.

I finally heard from Dr Carrell. He was very apolgetic for taking so long to get back to me. Apparently the morning I had called, he was in his office waiting for my call, and the receptionist didn't even check to see if he was available. So much for my feeling guilty for unleashing the beast on her. I had even thought about taking her cupcakes... lazy bum.

So, the verdict. Tim's hormone's are all within the "normal" range, meaning nothing they can give him will increase his count.

Why did it take them so long to call and tell me that? I'll tell you why. Because Tim and I had to decide what we were going to do before we found out the results. The Lord knew that, I didn't. Had we gotten the results by the original 2 week mark, I would have immediately called and scheduled an IVF consult, slapped thousands of dollars on a credit card and been in WAY over our heads. The Lord knew that too. We weren't being realistic. I wasn't being realistic, and Tim was just trying to make it work and make me happy. Yet another lesson learned by Cassie - and for some reason I still suck at patience.

IUI - Intra-Uterine-Insemination. WIth donor sperm. Thursday night I "shopped" for 2 1/2 hours for sperm. I found nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Ok, a couple "maybes" but nothing that was jumping out at me. And what do I do? I question everything. I start to think this is wierd, I'm going totally against nature. What about natural selection? Our bodies are broken, our gene pool ends here. Especially when I was looking at the details of these donors, their features, interests, areas of expertise... what am I doing? Trying to nit-pick out anything I don't want, adding what I do. Hair color, eye color, height, weight, gpa, freckles, education, talents, hobbies... really? Too much. Too overwhelmed. Thought this is going to take WAY longer than I anticipated. Went. To. Bed.

Yesterday I contemplated that we were making the completely wrong decision and the Lord has washed his hands of us in this area. We're on our own. Then right before I went to bed, I thought I'd just take a peek at one or two profiles, just so I don't blow it off completely. There it was. Little blonde boy - green and blue shirt - darling little hat. I read his essay, the staff impressions and short file. I've not felt the Spirit so strongly through this entire process. I sauntered/staggered in to the living room and told Tim I'd found our donor. He checked it out. He feels good. I feel peace.

Raging with Fury.

He didn't call this morning. Of course he didn't call. So at 10:10am I called him. His assistant is out of town, as she told me she may be, so I talked to another receptionist. I request to speak with Dr Carrell, she asks what the nature of my call is, I give my schpeil - trying to be as calm and polite as possible. She takes my number and assures me he will return my call.

2:25pm - I call him again. Talk to the same receptionist. She puts me on hold to "track him down." She comes back on the phone and informs me he was running out the door to a meeting that he was already late to and he will be sure to call me in the morning. WHAT-FUCKING-EVER!!!

What the hell do I have to do to get some damn test results? I'm back to having zero control in this situation. You have no control when you're adopting. It's all in the hands of the "powers that be" and the blessed birthmothers trying to find homes for their baby. Caseworkers try to make you feel as though you have control, what with finding your own baby and designated adoption but really? You have no control. You just have to wait. And apparently I don't even have any control when I'm trying to pay someone THOUSANDS of dollars to get me pregnant! I'm paying you, do your damn job!

Grandma is totally right. It would be way easier to cheat on Tim.

Europe. Are you shitting me?

May 8th - I call the sperm doctor to see if by some FREAK chance he's been able to look at Tim's results a little bit early. I leave a message on his assistant's phone.

May 12th - Since it's been two weeks AND one day, I call back. Lori acts irritated with me that I've called again. She informs me that the results are "in his in-box, and when he has a chance to review them he will either dictate a letter or call me" I calmly remind her that she asked me to call at the two week point, to which she replies that she'll move our file to the top of his "in-box" Ya. Right.

During the course of the next week or so I DAILY check my mail, and HOURLY check my messages if I'm not home. No "dictated" letter. No message. Just a hefty $200 bill that I thought the kind sperm doc wasn't going to bill us. Jack ass.

May 20th - Now approaching FOUR EFFING WEEKS! I call the sperm doc AGAIN. THAT BASTARD IS IN EUROPE!!! And won't be back until after Memorial Day. Lori informed me she even used her "mom" voice when she told him we had left messages and spoken with her personally. Then he just up and went to Europe, ignoring her and her "usual tactics." I told her I'd gladly make an appointment, drive my ass clear the freak up to the U so he'd HAVE to talk to me. She half way agreed. She made an appointment for 10:00am on Tuesday for a phone consult.

And the $200 bill? Like hell if I'm going to pay that before he gives me the results. I'm not contributing to his air fare so he can travel the world while I'm waiting for his pathetic ass to tell me WHETHER OR NOT I CAN POSSIBLY USE MY OWN HUSBANDS DAMN SPERM TO HAVE A BABY!!! Suck it, jack ass.

One week down, One to go

Before I can call the office again to see if the doc can tell me the results that are sitting on his desk. That's not very nice of me to say, the man did save us 200 bucks. He is very nice. I really like him. I'm just easily irritated and have no focus right now so I'm taking it out on the man who is trying to save us thousands of dollars by running a simple test on the husband. That makes sense. Done complaining - going to bed.

Hormonal Inbalance Anyone?

Since when do people hope for those? Since now. :)

Visited with Dr Carrell, the Andrologist, aka sperm specialist. I judged that man too harshly before I met him. He's quite charming and oh so very nice. That's an understatement actually. He didn't charge us his $200 consult fee. I kind of love him. After answering many more personal questions it was decided that we would do one last blood test on the Tim to check for any hormonal imbalances. He said there's about at 15% chance that could be the reason for Timmy's low sperm count. IF that's the case, taking some sort of supplement could possibly boost his count to a level that would be suitable for artificial insemination. Blood draw tomorrow. Hopefully results early next week!

He also was very interested about Tim's kidney condition, and the family history in relation to infertility. He asked Tim's permission to do some research, maybe take some more blood and get some from Jeff and Cami if they're ok with it to figure out what the heck is wrong with those genes. I was impressed by that. No one else has seemed to care - not the kidney docs, not the other fertility specialists. It's something that we've always asked about but no one has had an answer. It will be interesting to see if he finds anything.

I thought it had gotten better...

Found out today that the cousin's wife is pregnant. Have not been taking it well. It could be because last time she was pregant she had the balls to say that sometimes she wishes she could be me because it's so much easier to just have a baby handed to you... Ya, not taking it well.

However, I shouldn't take my shiz out on her. My situation is in no way her fault, and I'm not treating her fairly in my head. And I didn't answer my phone either time she called today. That's not fair to her. I want to be happy for my cute cuz, he's like a brother to me. I love him dearly. I have issues that I don't know how to resolve.

Maybe this time will be different. I should at least give her a chance to be different. Maybe this time she was have the decency to shut it around me. Or at least not make my attempt to have a family seem like a flimsy walk in the park. Maybe...

Of No Feeling

I've felt somewhat dead inside for the last few days. I had a minor breakdown Monday night, or maybe it was Sunday... can't remember now, and haven't quite been the same. My desire to have a little brother or sister for Alyssa has morphed into a longing for a baby. For me. For myself. It's making me feel empty. Literally empty.

I've been resisting the urge lately to reach across the room and slap people upside the head. My cousin's wife, who I'm sure in her own special way means well, called with some breaking information about a fertility clinic in Ogden that "only charges $100 for IVF" Really? Um... no they don't. You're stupid and don't know what you're talking about. "No really, they do. My friend did it." Um... no she didn't. (The chromosome study alone that Tim did was more than 10 times that amount, not to mention the drugs that stimulate your ovaries are right up there too, really along with everything else) Maybe your "friend" is making payments on artificial insemination. She then proceeded to tell me that if nothing is wrong with the woman they don't do anything with her, they just treat the male infertility. SHUT UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING! YOU ARE COMPLETELY INGORANT IN REGARDS TO THIS TOPIC! After I explained to her that artificial isn't an option due to Tim's sperm count, she throws in a "well just get a donor, find some super hot smart guy." Really? That decision is just that easy? Ya, cuz I haven't been thinking about THAT for the last 2 months. AND if I'm going to go the donor route, I'm jacking some sperm and doing it turkey baster style anyway. Who needs an effing clinic for that?

She doesn't even know we're in the IVF process. No one in our family does. I'm beginning to wonder if we should tell them so instead of all their helpful advice on how and when we should acquire another child, they can just ask us how it's going. To which I can reply "Expensive, want to donate to the cause?"

Gag, I need a project to keep my freaking mind off of this, I'm going to go insane...