Eff

Third time was a bust. Now we're out of sperm, and out of money. Not to mention, what are the odds that my body would wait EXACTLY two weeks from insemination to start my period? Twice? If it's not going work, it could at least not work a few days sooner so my hopes aren't at their peak of highness before it goes crashing down to the depths of hell.

So much for 2009 being the year. So much for donor 11245. Now what to do....

Third time's a charm?

Well round two was a bust. Of course my body waited the FULL TWO WEEKS before I began surfing the crimson... stoopid. Upon discovering that the second insemination hadn't taken, I call up the doc to discuss the clomid. YAY CLOMID!!! :P

I started on 50 mg thanksgiving weekend. When I went in for my day 12 ultrasound there was no sign that the drug had worked. I wondered how that was going to go, being that I never ovulate before day 20 anyway. When I mentioned this, Dr. Haaamoood said nobody ovulates that late and I must be getting false positives on the test. I came back with a "well... after a positive test on day 24 I was inseminated then got pregnant...." So what do you have to say to THAT sucka!?! He concluded that I am 1 out of 100 women who ovulate that late in the blessed cycle. Thank you.

What with the late ovulation and all, he wanted me to come back on day 16 to see if there were any follicles developing. So, back on day 16 to have my hoo-haw violated once again. And once again, no sign of ovulation. It was decided that we needed to double up the clomid. yikes.

They used to have you wait until your next cycle to up the dose, but apparently that's the old way of doing things. They gave me a prescription for 100mg of clomid that I was to start taking that day. May I say, I am the beast from hell. I have ZERO patience. ZERO when I am on that shiz. Then after I'm done taking it, I dive in to this pit of depression for a few days. Then I'm an emotional hurricane. Then the hot flashes start. It's no good. I'm lucky the Tim hasn't moved out yet.

They scheduled an appointment for me to come back 10 days later for another ultrasound. The doc said not to worry about taking the ovulation tests until then. "Then" being Monday the 21st. Well, the 21st would be day 27, and I thought if I waited until then to test that it would be too late, I would have already ovulated and missed my chance this month to try again. Soooo..... I randomly took the tests anyway.

Good thing I did. Friday night I got a positive. Saturday morning I called. After much discussion about the clomid and crappy previous ultrasounds they told me I had 45 minutes to get myself there.

I pulled Alyssa out of the tub, threw a hat on her dripping wet hair, called the great and wonderful auntie Tam and dropped off Alyssa. I picked up the Tim and we were off.

The ultrasound showed one egg on the left side and one on the right, with a possible second on the right, leaving a 5-10% chance of twins, if it works. I want it to work. It has to work. For so many reasons, it NEEDS to work!

We're down to our last vial of swimmers. THE LAST vial of our donor available. Can't get any more from him. And HE was the ONE.

Yesterday I was nervous. Today I feel pretty good. This will work, third time's a charm. Right?

Pee sticks... dip sticks...

I am a an idiot. All I have to do is remember to tinkle on a stick at 9 and 9. Not hard. Um... I've forgotten TWICE! Tonight, out of sticks. Went to Wal-mart JUST TO BUY THEM. Came home. Went to the toilet. Did my business. Went out to the kitchen where low and behold... sticks still in the bag on the counter. I am an idiot.

Round 2

The days of regulated urination are in full swing. We started on day 12 and we're now on day 17. Which really only means that I'm almost through the second box of "pee sticks." Last time I ovulated on day 20. I don't know whether to look forward to that day or dread it.

The doc told me to stop taking my anti-depression medication when I started my period for this cycle. October was an ugly month. Last Sunday I spend the. entire. day. bawling my eyes out. No good comes from that sort of crap. I think all those emotions that were well controlled while under the influence just came flooding back, tsunami style, and knocked me right in the face.

Something happened at the turning of the month. November started and all of a sudden I'm ready for the good ju-ju and happy happies to come back. I'm nervous, but excited. I'm completely anxiety-ridden... but excited. My goal this time is to try not to pack on 10 pounds waiting for things to happen... but really? What's 10 pounds?

The "Post" Visit

We had a doctor's appointment last Thursday. We met with Dr Keye, talked about both the physical and emotional aspects of our loss and made a plan for where we want to go in the future.

We have to wait for my second period to start before we can start the ovulation count down. Still waiting for my first one to start. It seems like this is taking FOREVER!!! I feel like everything happened months ago, but it was really just 3 weeks ago. Ug... October will never come.

Back on the Crazies...

In my mind, the extra hormones my body was producing during the short time I was all knocked up treated my depression quite nicely. I had more energy, more motivation and was happier during that two weeks than I have been without my medication in years. YEARS! Perhaps it was all in my messed up little head. Finally having what I'd been wanting for so long.

Though I was devastated when I found out my dreams of being with child were being flushed down the pooper, I wasn't depressed. Sad, angry, hateful and every other emotion out there, but not depressed.

Today that depression is rearing it's ugly head. I haven't taken my Lexapro since July 5th. I've been fine until today. Last Thursday I had my first of what would be my weekly blood tests. My hcg hormone was 3. What little bit of extra hormones I had are officially gone. And today I'm feeling it.

Today, I'm back in the funk. All I did, all day long, was lay on the couch. Then I got up and did a wee bit o research. There's not been a lot of research on lexapro and pregnancy, but what they have found is that it's not safe to take after 20 weeks. Honestly, I don't want to take it at all once I am pregnant. I don't really want the risk. But... I gotta do something.

Calling the doc tomorrow. Gotta find out when we can go for round 2, if they're going to put me on clomid, and how these happy pills are going to fall in to place. It would be nice if I could safely take them through the first tri-mester... or just through the first 8-10 weeks... or if I didn't need them at all... grrr....

A Better Day

Yesterday was a good day.

Alyssa told me I was "hot and skinny."

I got to go to Kim's and snuggle on Camilla... blissful.

I had four giggling tornadoes playing in the afternoon.

Minimal tears were shed. Much needed conversation was had.

Definitely the best day so far.

Pondering this today.

Mrs r posted snippets of a talk, given by Neil A Maxwell, on her blog today. For the first time I clicked on the link and read the whole talk. Now I'm thinking about it.

Pondering often precedes contentment.

Such contentment is more than shoulder-shrugging passivity. It reflects our participative assent rather than uncaring resignation.

The Lord knows our circumstances and the intents of our hearts, and surely the talents and gifts He has given us. He is able to gauge perfectly how we have performed within what is allotted to us, including by lifting up some of the many surrounding hands that hang down. Thus, yearning for expanded opportunities while failing to use those at hand is bad form spiritually.

What we could and have done within our allotted acreage, therefore, is known perfectly by the Master of the vineyard.

I've been bitter and angry and I've said and thought some pretty nasty things. I think I've been justified in my feelings, but I think it's time to be a bit more rational. The shock has worn off. I'm still upset. I still wish things were different. But the reality is, it's not. What happened, happened. It's crappy, but it happened. Now what am I going to do with it? How am I going to handle what I've been given? Hopefully the way my Father in Heaven believes that I can.

I called the doctor today. I'll be getting weekly blood tests until the hcg hormone goes down to zero. On Friday it was in the 40s so hopefully that won't take long. They don't know how long I'll continue to bleed or how long it will take to get down to zero. So once again, we're waiting.

After I'm at zero, I wait for my period to present its stupid self and we start counting days, peeing on sticks and waiting to ovulate. Then it will be time for round 2... hopefully we have a better outcome than round 1.

I feel weird. I don't feel like I lost a baby with this miscarriage. Let's just be honest, there wasn't one there. It never developed. So what exactly did I lose? Something... I definitely feel like I've lost something... I do feel like I'm still waiting for my baby, the same baby I was waiting for when we found out we were pregnant. Not a different one... I don't know, it's weird. I don't like weird. I like to name things, feelings, know what's missing or what's here. I don't like the in between...

Rage just doesn't seem to cut it.

With all the shit we've been through during our marriage, all the crap that's been so kindly handed to us on a silver platter, never, NEVER, have I asked "why us?" Sometimes I didn't ask because I knew the answer. Foolish decisions do have consequences. Sometimes real shitty consequences.

When we found out we wouldn't be having children the conventional way, so what? It sucked, sure. But we put in our papers and started waiting for Alyssa. When other adoptions fell through, I didn't have a mongo pity party, questioning God's plan, thinking I was in the depths of despair. Again, it SUCKED, really bad it sucked, but we accepted that it wasn't our time and moved on.

Tim loses his job, can't find one to support our family. I go back to work. We lose $50K. We can't sell our house. We can't adopt. Tim needs a new kidney. We can hardly pay our bills. Well, shit happens. It sucked. We complained. But we always knew it could be worse, and never said why us.

I have always hated when people say "why me?" I've rolled my eyes at that. Maybe because the people I hear it from most are people who have NOTHING to be bitching about. At least in my mind, nothing. Do you want financial problems? Have mine! Oh, you "tried" 3 months before you were able to "finally" get pregnant? Suck it.

So fine. Here I am. Swallowing my piece of humble pie and asking WHY ME? WHY THE HELL US?! This was supposed to finally work out us. My baby boy was supposed to be growing inside me right now. I'm supposed to hear his heart beat in a couple weeks. Why did this happen? Why did I get a blessing that specifically said I would carry and deliver THIS child that would grow and serve if one week later it was over?! WHY? WHY? WHY?!?!

I hate this. I'm still bleeding. Every time I go to the bathroom I'm reminded what's happening. And I go to the bathroom a lot. I need this to be over.

I am glad that I'm feeling something. Yesterday I thought I had lost my soul. I signed online and saw 5 different families posting about their brand new babies. I was happy for them. Absolutely elated to see those photos. I saw Ice Age, where Mama Mammoth was experiencing labor pains and talking about having the baby through the entire movie, Sid the Sloth found 3 dino eggs and became the baby dinos mommy. I laughed and just thought how ironic is this? I talked to Jonathan, who had his baby girl at 12:30 am on July 31st. I started bleeding that very afternoon. I didn't feel anything during this. Just how ironic all this is coming about today. The day I thought would be one of the hardest.

Didn't cry at all yesterday until I was putting Alyssa to bed. She was fighting me, I was getting frustrated. I lost my patience and yelled at her. She cried. I cried. She kept telling me she was sorry and wanted me to be happy. Such a tender little soul she has. I told her it wasn't her fault mommy was crying and to stop saying she was sorry. She's perfect. She has nothing to apologize for. I would die if I didn't have her.

I hate this. I want it to be over, but I don't. Because when it's over, I'll need closure. How am I going to find that?

I was and now I'm not

I lost it.

I was going to go up Logan Canyon today with Tim's family. I was going to have Alyssa tell them she's going to be a big sister. I was going to have a great day.

I started cramping a little when I got on the freeway. Not a lot of pain, not enough to make me stop or worry, more just uncomfortable. I decided to take a pit stop in Brigham City. Sure enough, I was bleeding.

I freak out. I call the doctor. I get back on the freeway and head back to Salt Lake. Poor Alyssa. She's sad, she knows she won't be seeing her cousins. This isn't fair to her.

45 minutes later I call the doctor back. I'm still bleeding. The nurse tells me to go the er.

Blood test. IV fluids. Ultra sounds.

They couldn't see a sack on the ultra sound, but say that it may be too small because I'm only 5 weeks along. That was nice of her to say.

The doc said the ultra sound echoed the blood results. My level had gone from 10 on the 18th, to 67 on the 21st, and back to 43 today. My pregnancy is over. Who knows when it ended.

I'm confused. I'm furious. I'm hurt.

I'll be ok. For now, I have Alyssa. She is my ray of sunshine. She's going to keep talking about being a big sister. Oh how I hope I can make that happen for her. It will kill me if I can't.

We shouldn't have said anything to anyone. It was too soon. I should know better.

I don't want pity. I don't want people who don't know to pretend they do.

I am grateful for one thing. I wasn't very far along. I never heard a heartbeat. I never felt anything move. If I had to miscarry, this is when I would choose to do it. It still sucks.

On the other hand, I feel gypped. I never got to hear a heartbeat or feel movement. I want that experience. More than almost anything.

I'm so confused. Linford gave me a blessing that said because of my faithfulness and the many prayers offered on our behalf the Lord has allowed me to carry and give birth to this child. What? Really? Ok. Guess not?

I don't get it. Any of it. Which makes me mad. Pissed really. I'm pissed, bitter, confused, broken... whatever...

The Deed is Done

Well, it's done. It wasn't bad at all, the procedure, that is. Now I'm just trying to figure out how I feel about where I'm at. For now, I'm kind of numb. Numb, but mostly at peace. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Feeling the Surge to....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it's happening. I THINK I'M SURGING! PERT NEAR OVULATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Insert flailing arms, spastic jumping and running through out the house whilst holding le pee stick)

Tonight's To-Do List
Plan A - Drink lots of water and try to sleep
Plan B should Plan A fail - drink lots of water then laundry, dishes, watch the Breakup, clean living room, scrapbook

Tomorrow's To-Do List
5am - pee then drink lots of water so that at...
7am - pee again
7:04am - call andrologist's office with results, probably have to leave a message
7:05am - ????? wait for my call to be returned for instructions on when to show up for my basting.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please send all good ju-ju and prayers my way.
Thanks

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nervous

Yesterday I started taking the ovulation tests. Nothing yet. No biggie, we're only on day 10 or something. These stupid tests drive me crazy. Worse than pregnancy tests. For SO long, so many months I would pee on stick after stick, waiting for it to tell me I was about to ovulate, never actually seeing that result. I had voiced this concern to our doctor. His thoughts were that most likely, I simply wasn't ovulating at that time. I hadn't shown and signs that I was either. Now I am... I guess... at least that's what they tell me anyway. Ug... the waiting. Not even to see if this will work, but if we'll be able to attempt it. Must drop egg in order to have a reason to shoot up tadpoles. Come on little ovaries! Drop one out of there!

Holy Shiz

This is really going to happen. I just purchased my swim team. Holy crap. I don't know what think right now. Other than, this is really going to happen. At least we're finally going to really go for it. Holy shiz.

Peace

Sweet G-ma LaWana came in to Old Navy, out of the blue, and told me she had $500 ready and waiting any time we were ready to try to get pregnant. The days following her visit, and preceding the test results, Tim and I had been discussing our options in regards to how much dinero we'd be able to realistically dish out. IVF is SO far out of our league. So. Far. Even with Gram's 500 smackeroos.

The test results were going to be the determining factor in our decision. If we could boost Tim's sperm count, we'd try artificial insemination (assuming the drugs wouldn't have ANY CHANCE of affecting his kidney). If not we'd get donor sperm and try artificial insemination.

I finally heard from Dr Carrell. He was very apolgetic for taking so long to get back to me. Apparently the morning I had called, he was in his office waiting for my call, and the receptionist didn't even check to see if he was available. So much for my feeling guilty for unleashing the beast on her. I had even thought about taking her cupcakes... lazy bum.

So, the verdict. Tim's hormone's are all within the "normal" range, meaning nothing they can give him will increase his count.

Why did it take them so long to call and tell me that? I'll tell you why. Because Tim and I had to decide what we were going to do before we found out the results. The Lord knew that, I didn't. Had we gotten the results by the original 2 week mark, I would have immediately called and scheduled an IVF consult, slapped thousands of dollars on a credit card and been in WAY over our heads. The Lord knew that too. We weren't being realistic. I wasn't being realistic, and Tim was just trying to make it work and make me happy. Yet another lesson learned by Cassie - and for some reason I still suck at patience.

IUI - Intra-Uterine-Insemination. WIth donor sperm. Thursday night I "shopped" for 2 1/2 hours for sperm. I found nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Ok, a couple "maybes" but nothing that was jumping out at me. And what do I do? I question everything. I start to think this is wierd, I'm going totally against nature. What about natural selection? Our bodies are broken, our gene pool ends here. Especially when I was looking at the details of these donors, their features, interests, areas of expertise... what am I doing? Trying to nit-pick out anything I don't want, adding what I do. Hair color, eye color, height, weight, gpa, freckles, education, talents, hobbies... really? Too much. Too overwhelmed. Thought this is going to take WAY longer than I anticipated. Went. To. Bed.

Yesterday I contemplated that we were making the completely wrong decision and the Lord has washed his hands of us in this area. We're on our own. Then right before I went to bed, I thought I'd just take a peek at one or two profiles, just so I don't blow it off completely. There it was. Little blonde boy - green and blue shirt - darling little hat. I read his essay, the staff impressions and short file. I've not felt the Spirit so strongly through this entire process. I sauntered/staggered in to the living room and told Tim I'd found our donor. He checked it out. He feels good. I feel peace.

Raging with Fury.

He didn't call this morning. Of course he didn't call. So at 10:10am I called him. His assistant is out of town, as she told me she may be, so I talked to another receptionist. I request to speak with Dr Carrell, she asks what the nature of my call is, I give my schpeil - trying to be as calm and polite as possible. She takes my number and assures me he will return my call.

2:25pm - I call him again. Talk to the same receptionist. She puts me on hold to "track him down." She comes back on the phone and informs me he was running out the door to a meeting that he was already late to and he will be sure to call me in the morning. WHAT-FUCKING-EVER!!!

What the hell do I have to do to get some damn test results? I'm back to having zero control in this situation. You have no control when you're adopting. It's all in the hands of the "powers that be" and the blessed birthmothers trying to find homes for their baby. Caseworkers try to make you feel as though you have control, what with finding your own baby and designated adoption but really? You have no control. You just have to wait. And apparently I don't even have any control when I'm trying to pay someone THOUSANDS of dollars to get me pregnant! I'm paying you, do your damn job!

Grandma is totally right. It would be way easier to cheat on Tim.

Europe. Are you shitting me?

May 8th - I call the sperm doctor to see if by some FREAK chance he's been able to look at Tim's results a little bit early. I leave a message on his assistant's phone.

May 12th - Since it's been two weeks AND one day, I call back. Lori acts irritated with me that I've called again. She informs me that the results are "in his in-box, and when he has a chance to review them he will either dictate a letter or call me" I calmly remind her that she asked me to call at the two week point, to which she replies that she'll move our file to the top of his "in-box" Ya. Right.

During the course of the next week or so I DAILY check my mail, and HOURLY check my messages if I'm not home. No "dictated" letter. No message. Just a hefty $200 bill that I thought the kind sperm doc wasn't going to bill us. Jack ass.

May 20th - Now approaching FOUR EFFING WEEKS! I call the sperm doc AGAIN. THAT BASTARD IS IN EUROPE!!! And won't be back until after Memorial Day. Lori informed me she even used her "mom" voice when she told him we had left messages and spoken with her personally. Then he just up and went to Europe, ignoring her and her "usual tactics." I told her I'd gladly make an appointment, drive my ass clear the freak up to the U so he'd HAVE to talk to me. She half way agreed. She made an appointment for 10:00am on Tuesday for a phone consult.

And the $200 bill? Like hell if I'm going to pay that before he gives me the results. I'm not contributing to his air fare so he can travel the world while I'm waiting for his pathetic ass to tell me WHETHER OR NOT I CAN POSSIBLY USE MY OWN HUSBANDS DAMN SPERM TO HAVE A BABY!!! Suck it, jack ass.

One week down, One to go

Before I can call the office again to see if the doc can tell me the results that are sitting on his desk. That's not very nice of me to say, the man did save us 200 bucks. He is very nice. I really like him. I'm just easily irritated and have no focus right now so I'm taking it out on the man who is trying to save us thousands of dollars by running a simple test on the husband. That makes sense. Done complaining - going to bed.

Hormonal Inbalance Anyone?

Since when do people hope for those? Since now. :)

Visited with Dr Carrell, the Andrologist, aka sperm specialist. I judged that man too harshly before I met him. He's quite charming and oh so very nice. That's an understatement actually. He didn't charge us his $200 consult fee. I kind of love him. After answering many more personal questions it was decided that we would do one last blood test on the Tim to check for any hormonal imbalances. He said there's about at 15% chance that could be the reason for Timmy's low sperm count. IF that's the case, taking some sort of supplement could possibly boost his count to a level that would be suitable for artificial insemination. Blood draw tomorrow. Hopefully results early next week!

He also was very interested about Tim's kidney condition, and the family history in relation to infertility. He asked Tim's permission to do some research, maybe take some more blood and get some from Jeff and Cami if they're ok with it to figure out what the heck is wrong with those genes. I was impressed by that. No one else has seemed to care - not the kidney docs, not the other fertility specialists. It's something that we've always asked about but no one has had an answer. It will be interesting to see if he finds anything.

I thought it had gotten better...

Found out today that the cousin's wife is pregnant. Have not been taking it well. It could be because last time she was pregant she had the balls to say that sometimes she wishes she could be me because it's so much easier to just have a baby handed to you... Ya, not taking it well.

However, I shouldn't take my shiz out on her. My situation is in no way her fault, and I'm not treating her fairly in my head. And I didn't answer my phone either time she called today. That's not fair to her. I want to be happy for my cute cuz, he's like a brother to me. I love him dearly. I have issues that I don't know how to resolve.

Maybe this time will be different. I should at least give her a chance to be different. Maybe this time she was have the decency to shut it around me. Or at least not make my attempt to have a family seem like a flimsy walk in the park. Maybe...