Pondering this today.

Mrs r posted snippets of a talk, given by Neil A Maxwell, on her blog today. For the first time I clicked on the link and read the whole talk. Now I'm thinking about it.

Pondering often precedes contentment.

Such contentment is more than shoulder-shrugging passivity. It reflects our participative assent rather than uncaring resignation.

The Lord knows our circumstances and the intents of our hearts, and surely the talents and gifts He has given us. He is able to gauge perfectly how we have performed within what is allotted to us, including by lifting up some of the many surrounding hands that hang down. Thus, yearning for expanded opportunities while failing to use those at hand is bad form spiritually.

What we could and have done within our allotted acreage, therefore, is known perfectly by the Master of the vineyard.

I've been bitter and angry and I've said and thought some pretty nasty things. I think I've been justified in my feelings, but I think it's time to be a bit more rational. The shock has worn off. I'm still upset. I still wish things were different. But the reality is, it's not. What happened, happened. It's crappy, but it happened. Now what am I going to do with it? How am I going to handle what I've been given? Hopefully the way my Father in Heaven believes that I can.

I called the doctor today. I'll be getting weekly blood tests until the hcg hormone goes down to zero. On Friday it was in the 40s so hopefully that won't take long. They don't know how long I'll continue to bleed or how long it will take to get down to zero. So once again, we're waiting.

After I'm at zero, I wait for my period to present its stupid self and we start counting days, peeing on sticks and waiting to ovulate. Then it will be time for round 2... hopefully we have a better outcome than round 1.

I feel weird. I don't feel like I lost a baby with this miscarriage. Let's just be honest, there wasn't one there. It never developed. So what exactly did I lose? Something... I definitely feel like I've lost something... I do feel like I'm still waiting for my baby, the same baby I was waiting for when we found out we were pregnant. Not a different one... I don't know, it's weird. I don't like weird. I like to name things, feelings, know what's missing or what's here. I don't like the in between...

Rage just doesn't seem to cut it.

With all the shit we've been through during our marriage, all the crap that's been so kindly handed to us on a silver platter, never, NEVER, have I asked "why us?" Sometimes I didn't ask because I knew the answer. Foolish decisions do have consequences. Sometimes real shitty consequences.

When we found out we wouldn't be having children the conventional way, so what? It sucked, sure. But we put in our papers and started waiting for Alyssa. When other adoptions fell through, I didn't have a mongo pity party, questioning God's plan, thinking I was in the depths of despair. Again, it SUCKED, really bad it sucked, but we accepted that it wasn't our time and moved on.

Tim loses his job, can't find one to support our family. I go back to work. We lose $50K. We can't sell our house. We can't adopt. Tim needs a new kidney. We can hardly pay our bills. Well, shit happens. It sucked. We complained. But we always knew it could be worse, and never said why us.

I have always hated when people say "why me?" I've rolled my eyes at that. Maybe because the people I hear it from most are people who have NOTHING to be bitching about. At least in my mind, nothing. Do you want financial problems? Have mine! Oh, you "tried" 3 months before you were able to "finally" get pregnant? Suck it.

So fine. Here I am. Swallowing my piece of humble pie and asking WHY ME? WHY THE HELL US?! This was supposed to finally work out us. My baby boy was supposed to be growing inside me right now. I'm supposed to hear his heart beat in a couple weeks. Why did this happen? Why did I get a blessing that specifically said I would carry and deliver THIS child that would grow and serve if one week later it was over?! WHY? WHY? WHY?!?!

I hate this. I'm still bleeding. Every time I go to the bathroom I'm reminded what's happening. And I go to the bathroom a lot. I need this to be over.

I am glad that I'm feeling something. Yesterday I thought I had lost my soul. I signed online and saw 5 different families posting about their brand new babies. I was happy for them. Absolutely elated to see those photos. I saw Ice Age, where Mama Mammoth was experiencing labor pains and talking about having the baby through the entire movie, Sid the Sloth found 3 dino eggs and became the baby dinos mommy. I laughed and just thought how ironic is this? I talked to Jonathan, who had his baby girl at 12:30 am on July 31st. I started bleeding that very afternoon. I didn't feel anything during this. Just how ironic all this is coming about today. The day I thought would be one of the hardest.

Didn't cry at all yesterday until I was putting Alyssa to bed. She was fighting me, I was getting frustrated. I lost my patience and yelled at her. She cried. I cried. She kept telling me she was sorry and wanted me to be happy. Such a tender little soul she has. I told her it wasn't her fault mommy was crying and to stop saying she was sorry. She's perfect. She has nothing to apologize for. I would die if I didn't have her.

I hate this. I want it to be over, but I don't. Because when it's over, I'll need closure. How am I going to find that?

I was and now I'm not

I lost it.

I was going to go up Logan Canyon today with Tim's family. I was going to have Alyssa tell them she's going to be a big sister. I was going to have a great day.

I started cramping a little when I got on the freeway. Not a lot of pain, not enough to make me stop or worry, more just uncomfortable. I decided to take a pit stop in Brigham City. Sure enough, I was bleeding.

I freak out. I call the doctor. I get back on the freeway and head back to Salt Lake. Poor Alyssa. She's sad, she knows she won't be seeing her cousins. This isn't fair to her.

45 minutes later I call the doctor back. I'm still bleeding. The nurse tells me to go the er.

Blood test. IV fluids. Ultra sounds.

They couldn't see a sack on the ultra sound, but say that it may be too small because I'm only 5 weeks along. That was nice of her to say.

The doc said the ultra sound echoed the blood results. My level had gone from 10 on the 18th, to 67 on the 21st, and back to 43 today. My pregnancy is over. Who knows when it ended.

I'm confused. I'm furious. I'm hurt.

I'll be ok. For now, I have Alyssa. She is my ray of sunshine. She's going to keep talking about being a big sister. Oh how I hope I can make that happen for her. It will kill me if I can't.

We shouldn't have said anything to anyone. It was too soon. I should know better.

I don't want pity. I don't want people who don't know to pretend they do.

I am grateful for one thing. I wasn't very far along. I never heard a heartbeat. I never felt anything move. If I had to miscarry, this is when I would choose to do it. It still sucks.

On the other hand, I feel gypped. I never got to hear a heartbeat or feel movement. I want that experience. More than almost anything.

I'm so confused. Linford gave me a blessing that said because of my faithfulness and the many prayers offered on our behalf the Lord has allowed me to carry and give birth to this child. What? Really? Ok. Guess not?

I don't get it. Any of it. Which makes me mad. Pissed really. I'm pissed, bitter, confused, broken... whatever...

The Deed is Done

Well, it's done. It wasn't bad at all, the procedure, that is. Now I'm just trying to figure out how I feel about where I'm at. For now, I'm kind of numb. Numb, but mostly at peace. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Feeling the Surge to....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it's happening. I THINK I'M SURGING! PERT NEAR OVULATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Insert flailing arms, spastic jumping and running through out the house whilst holding le pee stick)

Tonight's To-Do List
Plan A - Drink lots of water and try to sleep
Plan B should Plan A fail - drink lots of water then laundry, dishes, watch the Breakup, clean living room, scrapbook

Tomorrow's To-Do List
5am - pee then drink lots of water so that at...
7am - pee again
7:04am - call andrologist's office with results, probably have to leave a message
7:05am - ????? wait for my call to be returned for instructions on when to show up for my basting.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please send all good ju-ju and prayers my way.
Thanks

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nervous

Yesterday I started taking the ovulation tests. Nothing yet. No biggie, we're only on day 10 or something. These stupid tests drive me crazy. Worse than pregnancy tests. For SO long, so many months I would pee on stick after stick, waiting for it to tell me I was about to ovulate, never actually seeing that result. I had voiced this concern to our doctor. His thoughts were that most likely, I simply wasn't ovulating at that time. I hadn't shown and signs that I was either. Now I am... I guess... at least that's what they tell me anyway. Ug... the waiting. Not even to see if this will work, but if we'll be able to attempt it. Must drop egg in order to have a reason to shoot up tadpoles. Come on little ovaries! Drop one out of there!

Holy Shiz

This is really going to happen. I just purchased my swim team. Holy crap. I don't know what think right now. Other than, this is really going to happen. At least we're finally going to really go for it. Holy shiz.