Truth

It seems like lately all I do is lie. I lie about why I'm trying to lose weight. My mom asks why the kids are at Misty's so much, I tell her I'm having dental work done. People ask if we've thought about IVF, I say we've thought about it, but I never say we're trying to do it. They ask if we're trying to adopt, we say no - which is actually true, but when it's followed up with "so you're ok with your kids being 10 years apart" or when are you putting your papers in, or are you going to try to get pregnant? Commence the lying.

Ya know what? I'm ok with this.

It was a bit tricky at first. I hate lying and I hate making shiz up to cover my arse about where I've been and what I've been doing. And really? My mom probably knows. She always knows when I'm not telling her something. Damn it. I hate that.

We decided to keep this our most top secretest secret mostly because we want nothing but positive thoughts during this process. I don't need people giving me shit about being a whiner and not being able to tolerate a pregnancy. I don't need someone asking me how we're planning on paying for it, or telling me that it's not the smartest move financially because of the risk involved. I ask myself all the time if we're doing right thing.

The "right" thing. Ha. Let's talk about the "right" thing and why, as I'm about to be struck straight to hell for not caring about it anymore. I've done the "right" thing all my life. Went to church, went to seminary. Didn't date until I was 16. Never smoked or drank. Didn't do the nasty until I was married. Married in the temple. Then, over the past 7 years, I've prayed about every major decision in my life. Even some not so major ones. Where to work, where to live, when to have children, whether or not to do this or that. And I've followed those promptings, to the letter, every time I've gotten one. But where does it leave me? Yes, my husband and I are unable to reproduce on our own. But that's not the entire reason I'm miffed about this. Due to choices that people other than myself or my husband decided to make, we are also unable to adopt. The "right" thing? It's doing nothing for me now. Because I'm still trying to do it. Multiply and replenish the earth, have a family. Hell, I'd sure like to. How would you like me to do that?

Have I prayed and asked my Heavenly Father if IVF is where we should be headed right now in our life? Nope. Am I going to? Nope. Why? Because I don't want to hear the answer "no." For once I just want to do, what I want to do, because I want to do it. I remember being a little kid and thinking, I can ask mom for a cookie, but then she might say no. Or I can just eat a cookie and hope I either don't get caught or don't get in trouble. That's the mindset I'm playing with right now. That of a 9 year old.

Truth be told, I do care. I want to do what's right, it's unfortunately the kind of person that I am. I'm just trying to grasp at anything that I think might give me some sense of control in the situation. Then take my control and hand it over with a fat check to a doctor and give it all to him... that doesn't seem right... hmm...

I had an interesting conversation with Tammy today. We were talking about Alyssa with little babies. She is absolutely hilarious with them. Especially Karlee because Kar is almost 2 years younger than Alyssa, but totally bigger than her. Anywho, I was saying how awesome it is going to be having her so much older with a new baby. She'll be 4 1/2-ish if everything works out. Tammy said, "you really should wait until she turns 4, then look in to some fertility treatments and get pregnant" I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING SO BAD! I tell Tammy everything. What did I do instead? Lied. Said something so gay like "ya, we probably will here sooner or later, but it's just so expensive" Really? Since when am I a financially responsible person. I also threw something in like "would you really like me to do that? Then you all would have to put up with my whining and complaining about how miserable I am..." Then Tammy almost made me cry. She said "ya, but it would be so worth it."

I told Tim about the conversation, he peed a little thinking I spilled the beans. Then he said "Well, there's one supporter for us right?"

Yes indeed.

The Follow Up

The week prior to this appointment has been some what annoying. Tim went in on the 28th for his lovely test (fortunately for me, I didn't not accompany him for this. All I know, is that there were no magazines and no movies. There was a leather recliner, but Tim said he refused to sit in it.) and they were supposed to mail us a copy of his results within a week. The didn't come! The office had the results, but they couldn't go over them with us wihout us having a copy so we would know what they were talking about. So we just had to wait. But we're good at that right? We have had lots of practice after all.

So the follow up. Knowing from previous tests that Tim would still most likely have a low sperm count, we were kind of hoping they would tell us there was enough to try artificial insemination, kind of hoping, but knowing that wouldn't be too likely. Sure enough, too low for artificial. We have to go the IVF route, which we've been planning, just wondering if there were any other options.

Now, the Tim has to have some blood drawn to look for a karyotype or a flipped chromosome or something to see if that's why his count is low. It's a rare condition, but I guess if he has it, the sperm wouldn't be viable for IVF. That test takes about 6 weeks to get back. THEN he'll have a consult with an andrologist about freezing his swimmers. I think they take several samples and do test freeze/thaw cycles to see if the little guys are strong enough to survive it in order to join in the embryo making process. THEN, assuming all goes well there, we'll do an official IVF consult and set some dates.

Whew! Talk about a process.

Hysterosalpingo...huh?

Ah, the hysterosalpingogram. I just like to say it. Mostly because Dr Keye told me that most people pronounce it incorrectly. I don't. I practiced it. However it takes forever to type so from here on out it shall be known as the HSG. The HSG is used to see if the fallopian tubes are open, by shooting die through them. Sounds like fun.

The HSG, to be done between days 7 and 12 of the blessed cycle. Rumor had it that this was going to be unpleasant. Rumor was correct.

Step one: Put on hospital gown.

Step two: Put on robe that they SO kindly give you as not to show off your hind quarters to everyone as you walk through the hall.

Steps three through whatever done by the CUTEST gal on the face of the planet. Kind of wanted to go for ice cream with her when she was done. SO nice, explained everything to me, loved her. The process:

cleaned cervix with betadine = a little pressure
numbed cervix = a lot of pressure, but no poke (yay)
put catheder into uterus = a bit more pressure
inject die through catheder into uterus = a HELL of a lot of pressure and some serious cramping, thought I was going to die for 5 minutes
remove all equipment = relief

Yet another test with immediate results. One fantastically shaped uterus, open fallopian tubes. Yay!

"Day 3"

Who ever decided that it was a good idea to do a vaginal ultrasound on the third day you're surfing along the crimson tide, ought to be shot. Apparently this is the day of your cycle where "they" can tell the most about your insides. Ovaries, uterus, eggs and the like. Luckily for me, my tide splits itself in half and the third day happens to be the middle where not much is going on.

Yet another day for Cassie spent with nervous energy. In the end, I had to force myself not to laugh.

As I'm sitting, waiting for another stranger to come and take a look at the goods, I decided to scope out the equipment. Doesn't look too bad. Really wanted to play around with the wand. Resisted the urge. Just sat and behaved myself instead. Then the doc comes in. Not my doc, but not a technician either. Another fertility specialist at the clinic. Which, by the way, made me feel pretty good about the place.

He told me that he would be looking at my ovaries, counting the dark circles which contain eggs, and measuring my uterus. Sounds fine to me. I assume "the" position. Nurse hands the doc the magic wand, which, with the jelly looks somewhat like a mini twist cone from the Arctic Circle, when he asks me "Would you like to insert the probe? Or does it matter?" Let the "that's what she said" jokes begin. Not only did I find that question amusing, but what am I supposed to really do with that? Knowing me, I'd put it in upside down or backwards. In answer to the question, it doesn't matter.

The thing that I liked about this was that the results were immediate. Two ovaries, both containing eggs, a uterus with a normal shape and size. Yay!

One down. One to go.

The Consult

We had our fertility consult with Dr Keye. To say I was nervous would be a gross understatement. While Tim was appearing calm and mellow reading some humongo novel, I was bouncing my knees up and down, mostly just wondering what kind of person our doctor would be. Old or young. Funny or down to business. Would he mesh well with the Tim and myself or would we be spending the next 90 minutes trying to fill awkward pauses and silence.

The door opened and all anxiety subsided.

Such a fantastically cute looking elderly gentleman, with white hair, glasses and everything. I was going to be just fine.

We dove into our paperwork and discussed everything under the sun related to our reproductive systems. 5 years ago, had we done this, I would have been morbidly embarrassed to hear words like menstrual cycle, ejaculate, period, discharge, and sperm thrown around so loosely. Thank you 7 years of infertility, and thank you to the numerous reproductively challenged friends that I've had similar conversations with regarding some of these very things. Zero weirdness. Kind of a good feeling considering what we're doing.

By the way, did you know that bloating, cramping, acne, food cravings and sore boobs are not only a sign that your monthly visitor is about to arrive, but also a sign that you've ovulated? I did NOT know that. The doc asked me if I thought I ovulated and I told him in the past all the millions of ovulation testing sticks I'd peed on all said negative. Then he asked about all these symptoms associated with my period and said that was actually a sure sign that I was, indeed, ovulating. Well hot dog!

At the conclusion of our discussion, which included all options of fertility treatments, depending on the results of some tests, I was fortunate enough to have an exam. During which I found out that I have a normal shaped uterus, and no cysts on my ovaries. Yay!

Next up on the to-do list? One vaginal ultrasound for me. One hysterosalpingogram for me. One blood test for me. One semen analysis for Tim. Hmm... so far this doesn't seem fair...

The Unknown

Anxious - to scared - to nervous - to whatever. I'm over my moment of dramatics. Yes I'm nervous about this appointment. Nervous because I have no idea what they're going to say to us, I don't know what's going to happen. I laugh at myself because I'm worried they're going to tell us we can't be parents. Laughing, hysterically almost. I'm back to our adoption interviews where they actually COULD HAVE told us "ya... um... you guys suck and we're not giving you a baby..."

I'm still worried about it not working, but I've come to grips that there is nothing I can do about that. It's either going to happen, or it's not. The good thing is, I have Alyssa. Instead of dwelling on the fact that things are taking a long time, or aren't going the way we wanted, I have the best distraction in the world. She comes with long blond hair, beautiful blue eyes, and a personality so sweet and funny she makes me about pee my pants every day. I couldn't ask for more.

Paperwork

I made the appointment today. On the 22nd we're scheduled for a fertility consult and work up. They emailed the paperwork to me. Holy shiz, there's a lot. Reminds me of our adoption paperwork. The question that stopped me from filling it out? "How excited are you to conceive?" Excited? Um... scared shitless is more like it. Scared that it won't work. Scared that we will conceive then miscarry. I'm not excited. I'm terrified. What the hell am I doing...