Of No Feeling

I've felt somewhat dead inside for the last few days. I had a minor breakdown Monday night, or maybe it was Sunday... can't remember now, and haven't quite been the same. My desire to have a little brother or sister for Alyssa has morphed into a longing for a baby. For me. For myself. It's making me feel empty. Literally empty.

I've been resisting the urge lately to reach across the room and slap people upside the head. My cousin's wife, who I'm sure in her own special way means well, called with some breaking information about a fertility clinic in Ogden that "only charges $100 for IVF" Really? Um... no they don't. You're stupid and don't know what you're talking about. "No really, they do. My friend did it." Um... no she didn't. (The chromosome study alone that Tim did was more than 10 times that amount, not to mention the drugs that stimulate your ovaries are right up there too, really along with everything else) Maybe your "friend" is making payments on artificial insemination. She then proceeded to tell me that if nothing is wrong with the woman they don't do anything with her, they just treat the male infertility. SHUT UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING! YOU ARE COMPLETELY INGORANT IN REGARDS TO THIS TOPIC! After I explained to her that artificial isn't an option due to Tim's sperm count, she throws in a "well just get a donor, find some super hot smart guy." Really? That decision is just that easy? Ya, cuz I haven't been thinking about THAT for the last 2 months. AND if I'm going to go the donor route, I'm jacking some sperm and doing it turkey baster style anyway. Who needs an effing clinic for that?

She doesn't even know we're in the IVF process. No one in our family does. I'm beginning to wonder if we should tell them so instead of all their helpful advice on how and when we should acquire another child, they can just ask us how it's going. To which I can reply "Expensive, want to donate to the cause?"

Gag, I need a project to keep my freaking mind off of this, I'm going to go insane...

Results are in...

The results of Tim's chromosome study have arrived. According to the study, everything appears "normal". Which is good because that means that the swimmers are strong enough to create a viable embryo. That is, if they can survive the thawing process, which brings us to the next step.

A visit to the Andrologist. We would LOVE to make an appointment with this man asap, however, he only meets with couples once a month and only after you fill out his paperwork. Now, he's in the same office that already has our file. How many more questions can they ask about Tim's junk? Seriously. Waiting for paperwork, to wait for an appointment. Hopefully we get it soon so we can make the ONE day in April that the sperm dude will see us.

Waiting is Boring

I thought for sure by now I would a PRO at waiting. Ya, not so much. I'm not really antsy or anxious to continue, but I'm BORED out of my mind waiting for this. Tim had his blood drawn, like the end of February for the chromosome study. Not only did I get a lovely little surprise statement from the hospital that it's an ELEVEN HUNDRED DOLLAR test (thank goodness our insurance should be picking that up, keeping fingers crossed) but it will take 6 weeks to get back. Gag. Whatever.

Truth

It seems like lately all I do is lie. I lie about why I'm trying to lose weight. My mom asks why the kids are at Misty's so much, I tell her I'm having dental work done. People ask if we've thought about IVF, I say we've thought about it, but I never say we're trying to do it. They ask if we're trying to adopt, we say no - which is actually true, but when it's followed up with "so you're ok with your kids being 10 years apart" or when are you putting your papers in, or are you going to try to get pregnant? Commence the lying.

Ya know what? I'm ok with this.

It was a bit tricky at first. I hate lying and I hate making shiz up to cover my arse about where I've been and what I've been doing. And really? My mom probably knows. She always knows when I'm not telling her something. Damn it. I hate that.

We decided to keep this our most top secretest secret mostly because we want nothing but positive thoughts during this process. I don't need people giving me shit about being a whiner and not being able to tolerate a pregnancy. I don't need someone asking me how we're planning on paying for it, or telling me that it's not the smartest move financially because of the risk involved. I ask myself all the time if we're doing right thing.

The "right" thing. Ha. Let's talk about the "right" thing and why, as I'm about to be struck straight to hell for not caring about it anymore. I've done the "right" thing all my life. Went to church, went to seminary. Didn't date until I was 16. Never smoked or drank. Didn't do the nasty until I was married. Married in the temple. Then, over the past 7 years, I've prayed about every major decision in my life. Even some not so major ones. Where to work, where to live, when to have children, whether or not to do this or that. And I've followed those promptings, to the letter, every time I've gotten one. But where does it leave me? Yes, my husband and I are unable to reproduce on our own. But that's not the entire reason I'm miffed about this. Due to choices that people other than myself or my husband decided to make, we are also unable to adopt. The "right" thing? It's doing nothing for me now. Because I'm still trying to do it. Multiply and replenish the earth, have a family. Hell, I'd sure like to. How would you like me to do that?

Have I prayed and asked my Heavenly Father if IVF is where we should be headed right now in our life? Nope. Am I going to? Nope. Why? Because I don't want to hear the answer "no." For once I just want to do, what I want to do, because I want to do it. I remember being a little kid and thinking, I can ask mom for a cookie, but then she might say no. Or I can just eat a cookie and hope I either don't get caught or don't get in trouble. That's the mindset I'm playing with right now. That of a 9 year old.

Truth be told, I do care. I want to do what's right, it's unfortunately the kind of person that I am. I'm just trying to grasp at anything that I think might give me some sense of control in the situation. Then take my control and hand it over with a fat check to a doctor and give it all to him... that doesn't seem right... hmm...

I had an interesting conversation with Tammy today. We were talking about Alyssa with little babies. She is absolutely hilarious with them. Especially Karlee because Kar is almost 2 years younger than Alyssa, but totally bigger than her. Anywho, I was saying how awesome it is going to be having her so much older with a new baby. She'll be 4 1/2-ish if everything works out. Tammy said, "you really should wait until she turns 4, then look in to some fertility treatments and get pregnant" I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING SO BAD! I tell Tammy everything. What did I do instead? Lied. Said something so gay like "ya, we probably will here sooner or later, but it's just so expensive" Really? Since when am I a financially responsible person. I also threw something in like "would you really like me to do that? Then you all would have to put up with my whining and complaining about how miserable I am..." Then Tammy almost made me cry. She said "ya, but it would be so worth it."

I told Tim about the conversation, he peed a little thinking I spilled the beans. Then he said "Well, there's one supporter for us right?"

Yes indeed.

The Follow Up

The week prior to this appointment has been some what annoying. Tim went in on the 28th for his lovely test (fortunately for me, I didn't not accompany him for this. All I know, is that there were no magazines and no movies. There was a leather recliner, but Tim said he refused to sit in it.) and they were supposed to mail us a copy of his results within a week. The didn't come! The office had the results, but they couldn't go over them with us wihout us having a copy so we would know what they were talking about. So we just had to wait. But we're good at that right? We have had lots of practice after all.

So the follow up. Knowing from previous tests that Tim would still most likely have a low sperm count, we were kind of hoping they would tell us there was enough to try artificial insemination, kind of hoping, but knowing that wouldn't be too likely. Sure enough, too low for artificial. We have to go the IVF route, which we've been planning, just wondering if there were any other options.

Now, the Tim has to have some blood drawn to look for a karyotype or a flipped chromosome or something to see if that's why his count is low. It's a rare condition, but I guess if he has it, the sperm wouldn't be viable for IVF. That test takes about 6 weeks to get back. THEN he'll have a consult with an andrologist about freezing his swimmers. I think they take several samples and do test freeze/thaw cycles to see if the little guys are strong enough to survive it in order to join in the embryo making process. THEN, assuming all goes well there, we'll do an official IVF consult and set some dates.

Whew! Talk about a process.

Hysterosalpingo...huh?

Ah, the hysterosalpingogram. I just like to say it. Mostly because Dr Keye told me that most people pronounce it incorrectly. I don't. I practiced it. However it takes forever to type so from here on out it shall be known as the HSG. The HSG is used to see if the fallopian tubes are open, by shooting die through them. Sounds like fun.

The HSG, to be done between days 7 and 12 of the blessed cycle. Rumor had it that this was going to be unpleasant. Rumor was correct.

Step one: Put on hospital gown.

Step two: Put on robe that they SO kindly give you as not to show off your hind quarters to everyone as you walk through the hall.

Steps three through whatever done by the CUTEST gal on the face of the planet. Kind of wanted to go for ice cream with her when she was done. SO nice, explained everything to me, loved her. The process:

cleaned cervix with betadine = a little pressure
numbed cervix = a lot of pressure, but no poke (yay)
put catheder into uterus = a bit more pressure
inject die through catheder into uterus = a HELL of a lot of pressure and some serious cramping, thought I was going to die for 5 minutes
remove all equipment = relief

Yet another test with immediate results. One fantastically shaped uterus, open fallopian tubes. Yay!

"Day 3"

Who ever decided that it was a good idea to do a vaginal ultrasound on the third day you're surfing along the crimson tide, ought to be shot. Apparently this is the day of your cycle where "they" can tell the most about your insides. Ovaries, uterus, eggs and the like. Luckily for me, my tide splits itself in half and the third day happens to be the middle where not much is going on.

Yet another day for Cassie spent with nervous energy. In the end, I had to force myself not to laugh.

As I'm sitting, waiting for another stranger to come and take a look at the goods, I decided to scope out the equipment. Doesn't look too bad. Really wanted to play around with the wand. Resisted the urge. Just sat and behaved myself instead. Then the doc comes in. Not my doc, but not a technician either. Another fertility specialist at the clinic. Which, by the way, made me feel pretty good about the place.

He told me that he would be looking at my ovaries, counting the dark circles which contain eggs, and measuring my uterus. Sounds fine to me. I assume "the" position. Nurse hands the doc the magic wand, which, with the jelly looks somewhat like a mini twist cone from the Arctic Circle, when he asks me "Would you like to insert the probe? Or does it matter?" Let the "that's what she said" jokes begin. Not only did I find that question amusing, but what am I supposed to really do with that? Knowing me, I'd put it in upside down or backwards. In answer to the question, it doesn't matter.

The thing that I liked about this was that the results were immediate. Two ovaries, both containing eggs, a uterus with a normal shape and size. Yay!

One down. One to go.