I was and now I'm not

I lost it.

I was going to go up Logan Canyon today with Tim's family. I was going to have Alyssa tell them she's going to be a big sister. I was going to have a great day.

I started cramping a little when I got on the freeway. Not a lot of pain, not enough to make me stop or worry, more just uncomfortable. I decided to take a pit stop in Brigham City. Sure enough, I was bleeding.

I freak out. I call the doctor. I get back on the freeway and head back to Salt Lake. Poor Alyssa. She's sad, she knows she won't be seeing her cousins. This isn't fair to her.

45 minutes later I call the doctor back. I'm still bleeding. The nurse tells me to go the er.

Blood test. IV fluids. Ultra sounds.

They couldn't see a sack on the ultra sound, but say that it may be too small because I'm only 5 weeks along. That was nice of her to say.

The doc said the ultra sound echoed the blood results. My level had gone from 10 on the 18th, to 67 on the 21st, and back to 43 today. My pregnancy is over. Who knows when it ended.

I'm confused. I'm furious. I'm hurt.

I'll be ok. For now, I have Alyssa. She is my ray of sunshine. She's going to keep talking about being a big sister. Oh how I hope I can make that happen for her. It will kill me if I can't.

We shouldn't have said anything to anyone. It was too soon. I should know better.

I don't want pity. I don't want people who don't know to pretend they do.

I am grateful for one thing. I wasn't very far along. I never heard a heartbeat. I never felt anything move. If I had to miscarry, this is when I would choose to do it. It still sucks.

On the other hand, I feel gypped. I never got to hear a heartbeat or feel movement. I want that experience. More than almost anything.

I'm so confused. Linford gave me a blessing that said because of my faithfulness and the many prayers offered on our behalf the Lord has allowed me to carry and give birth to this child. What? Really? Ok. Guess not?

I don't get it. Any of it. Which makes me mad. Pissed really. I'm pissed, bitter, confused, broken... whatever...

The Deed is Done

Well, it's done. It wasn't bad at all, the procedure, that is. Now I'm just trying to figure out how I feel about where I'm at. For now, I'm kind of numb. Numb, but mostly at peace. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Feeling the Surge to....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it's happening. I THINK I'M SURGING! PERT NEAR OVULATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Insert flailing arms, spastic jumping and running through out the house whilst holding le pee stick)

Tonight's To-Do List
Plan A - Drink lots of water and try to sleep
Plan B should Plan A fail - drink lots of water then laundry, dishes, watch the Breakup, clean living room, scrapbook

Tomorrow's To-Do List
5am - pee then drink lots of water so that at...
7am - pee again
7:04am - call andrologist's office with results, probably have to leave a message
7:05am - ????? wait for my call to be returned for instructions on when to show up for my basting.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please send all good ju-ju and prayers my way.
Thanks

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nervous

Yesterday I started taking the ovulation tests. Nothing yet. No biggie, we're only on day 10 or something. These stupid tests drive me crazy. Worse than pregnancy tests. For SO long, so many months I would pee on stick after stick, waiting for it to tell me I was about to ovulate, never actually seeing that result. I had voiced this concern to our doctor. His thoughts were that most likely, I simply wasn't ovulating at that time. I hadn't shown and signs that I was either. Now I am... I guess... at least that's what they tell me anyway. Ug... the waiting. Not even to see if this will work, but if we'll be able to attempt it. Must drop egg in order to have a reason to shoot up tadpoles. Come on little ovaries! Drop one out of there!

Holy Shiz

This is really going to happen. I just purchased my swim team. Holy crap. I don't know what think right now. Other than, this is really going to happen. At least we're finally going to really go for it. Holy shiz.

Peace

Sweet G-ma LaWana came in to Old Navy, out of the blue, and told me she had $500 ready and waiting any time we were ready to try to get pregnant. The days following her visit, and preceding the test results, Tim and I had been discussing our options in regards to how much dinero we'd be able to realistically dish out. IVF is SO far out of our league. So. Far. Even with Gram's 500 smackeroos.

The test results were going to be the determining factor in our decision. If we could boost Tim's sperm count, we'd try artificial insemination (assuming the drugs wouldn't have ANY CHANCE of affecting his kidney). If not we'd get donor sperm and try artificial insemination.

I finally heard from Dr Carrell. He was very apolgetic for taking so long to get back to me. Apparently the morning I had called, he was in his office waiting for my call, and the receptionist didn't even check to see if he was available. So much for my feeling guilty for unleashing the beast on her. I had even thought about taking her cupcakes... lazy bum.

So, the verdict. Tim's hormone's are all within the "normal" range, meaning nothing they can give him will increase his count.

Why did it take them so long to call and tell me that? I'll tell you why. Because Tim and I had to decide what we were going to do before we found out the results. The Lord knew that, I didn't. Had we gotten the results by the original 2 week mark, I would have immediately called and scheduled an IVF consult, slapped thousands of dollars on a credit card and been in WAY over our heads. The Lord knew that too. We weren't being realistic. I wasn't being realistic, and Tim was just trying to make it work and make me happy. Yet another lesson learned by Cassie - and for some reason I still suck at patience.

IUI - Intra-Uterine-Insemination. WIth donor sperm. Thursday night I "shopped" for 2 1/2 hours for sperm. I found nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Ok, a couple "maybes" but nothing that was jumping out at me. And what do I do? I question everything. I start to think this is wierd, I'm going totally against nature. What about natural selection? Our bodies are broken, our gene pool ends here. Especially when I was looking at the details of these donors, their features, interests, areas of expertise... what am I doing? Trying to nit-pick out anything I don't want, adding what I do. Hair color, eye color, height, weight, gpa, freckles, education, talents, hobbies... really? Too much. Too overwhelmed. Thought this is going to take WAY longer than I anticipated. Went. To. Bed.

Yesterday I contemplated that we were making the completely wrong decision and the Lord has washed his hands of us in this area. We're on our own. Then right before I went to bed, I thought I'd just take a peek at one or two profiles, just so I don't blow it off completely. There it was. Little blonde boy - green and blue shirt - darling little hat. I read his essay, the staff impressions and short file. I've not felt the Spirit so strongly through this entire process. I sauntered/staggered in to the living room and told Tim I'd found our donor. He checked it out. He feels good. I feel peace.

Raging with Fury.

He didn't call this morning. Of course he didn't call. So at 10:10am I called him. His assistant is out of town, as she told me she may be, so I talked to another receptionist. I request to speak with Dr Carrell, she asks what the nature of my call is, I give my schpeil - trying to be as calm and polite as possible. She takes my number and assures me he will return my call.

2:25pm - I call him again. Talk to the same receptionist. She puts me on hold to "track him down." She comes back on the phone and informs me he was running out the door to a meeting that he was already late to and he will be sure to call me in the morning. WHAT-FUCKING-EVER!!!

What the hell do I have to do to get some damn test results? I'm back to having zero control in this situation. You have no control when you're adopting. It's all in the hands of the "powers that be" and the blessed birthmothers trying to find homes for their baby. Caseworkers try to make you feel as though you have control, what with finding your own baby and designated adoption but really? You have no control. You just have to wait. And apparently I don't even have any control when I'm trying to pay someone THOUSANDS of dollars to get me pregnant! I'm paying you, do your damn job!

Grandma is totally right. It would be way easier to cheat on Tim.