Eff

Third time was a bust. Now we're out of sperm, and out of money. Not to mention, what are the odds that my body would wait EXACTLY two weeks from insemination to start my period? Twice? If it's not going work, it could at least not work a few days sooner so my hopes aren't at their peak of highness before it goes crashing down to the depths of hell.

So much for 2009 being the year. So much for donor 11245. Now what to do....

Third time's a charm?

Well round two was a bust. Of course my body waited the FULL TWO WEEKS before I began surfing the crimson... stoopid. Upon discovering that the second insemination hadn't taken, I call up the doc to discuss the clomid. YAY CLOMID!!! :P

I started on 50 mg thanksgiving weekend. When I went in for my day 12 ultrasound there was no sign that the drug had worked. I wondered how that was going to go, being that I never ovulate before day 20 anyway. When I mentioned this, Dr. Haaamoood said nobody ovulates that late and I must be getting false positives on the test. I came back with a "well... after a positive test on day 24 I was inseminated then got pregnant...." So what do you have to say to THAT sucka!?! He concluded that I am 1 out of 100 women who ovulate that late in the blessed cycle. Thank you.

What with the late ovulation and all, he wanted me to come back on day 16 to see if there were any follicles developing. So, back on day 16 to have my hoo-haw violated once again. And once again, no sign of ovulation. It was decided that we needed to double up the clomid. yikes.

They used to have you wait until your next cycle to up the dose, but apparently that's the old way of doing things. They gave me a prescription for 100mg of clomid that I was to start taking that day. May I say, I am the beast from hell. I have ZERO patience. ZERO when I am on that shiz. Then after I'm done taking it, I dive in to this pit of depression for a few days. Then I'm an emotional hurricane. Then the hot flashes start. It's no good. I'm lucky the Tim hasn't moved out yet.

They scheduled an appointment for me to come back 10 days later for another ultrasound. The doc said not to worry about taking the ovulation tests until then. "Then" being Monday the 21st. Well, the 21st would be day 27, and I thought if I waited until then to test that it would be too late, I would have already ovulated and missed my chance this month to try again. Soooo..... I randomly took the tests anyway.

Good thing I did. Friday night I got a positive. Saturday morning I called. After much discussion about the clomid and crappy previous ultrasounds they told me I had 45 minutes to get myself there.

I pulled Alyssa out of the tub, threw a hat on her dripping wet hair, called the great and wonderful auntie Tam and dropped off Alyssa. I picked up the Tim and we were off.

The ultrasound showed one egg on the left side and one on the right, with a possible second on the right, leaving a 5-10% chance of twins, if it works. I want it to work. It has to work. For so many reasons, it NEEDS to work!

We're down to our last vial of swimmers. THE LAST vial of our donor available. Can't get any more from him. And HE was the ONE.

Yesterday I was nervous. Today I feel pretty good. This will work, third time's a charm. Right?

Pee sticks... dip sticks...

I am a an idiot. All I have to do is remember to tinkle on a stick at 9 and 9. Not hard. Um... I've forgotten TWICE! Tonight, out of sticks. Went to Wal-mart JUST TO BUY THEM. Came home. Went to the toilet. Did my business. Went out to the kitchen where low and behold... sticks still in the bag on the counter. I am an idiot.

Round 2

The days of regulated urination are in full swing. We started on day 12 and we're now on day 17. Which really only means that I'm almost through the second box of "pee sticks." Last time I ovulated on day 20. I don't know whether to look forward to that day or dread it.

The doc told me to stop taking my anti-depression medication when I started my period for this cycle. October was an ugly month. Last Sunday I spend the. entire. day. bawling my eyes out. No good comes from that sort of crap. I think all those emotions that were well controlled while under the influence just came flooding back, tsunami style, and knocked me right in the face.

Something happened at the turning of the month. November started and all of a sudden I'm ready for the good ju-ju and happy happies to come back. I'm nervous, but excited. I'm completely anxiety-ridden... but excited. My goal this time is to try not to pack on 10 pounds waiting for things to happen... but really? What's 10 pounds?

The "Post" Visit

We had a doctor's appointment last Thursday. We met with Dr Keye, talked about both the physical and emotional aspects of our loss and made a plan for where we want to go in the future.

We have to wait for my second period to start before we can start the ovulation count down. Still waiting for my first one to start. It seems like this is taking FOREVER!!! I feel like everything happened months ago, but it was really just 3 weeks ago. Ug... October will never come.

Back on the Crazies...

In my mind, the extra hormones my body was producing during the short time I was all knocked up treated my depression quite nicely. I had more energy, more motivation and was happier during that two weeks than I have been without my medication in years. YEARS! Perhaps it was all in my messed up little head. Finally having what I'd been wanting for so long.

Though I was devastated when I found out my dreams of being with child were being flushed down the pooper, I wasn't depressed. Sad, angry, hateful and every other emotion out there, but not depressed.

Today that depression is rearing it's ugly head. I haven't taken my Lexapro since July 5th. I've been fine until today. Last Thursday I had my first of what would be my weekly blood tests. My hcg hormone was 3. What little bit of extra hormones I had are officially gone. And today I'm feeling it.

Today, I'm back in the funk. All I did, all day long, was lay on the couch. Then I got up and did a wee bit o research. There's not been a lot of research on lexapro and pregnancy, but what they have found is that it's not safe to take after 20 weeks. Honestly, I don't want to take it at all once I am pregnant. I don't really want the risk. But... I gotta do something.

Calling the doc tomorrow. Gotta find out when we can go for round 2, if they're going to put me on clomid, and how these happy pills are going to fall in to place. It would be nice if I could safely take them through the first tri-mester... or just through the first 8-10 weeks... or if I didn't need them at all... grrr....

A Better Day

Yesterday was a good day.

Alyssa told me I was "hot and skinny."

I got to go to Kim's and snuggle on Camilla... blissful.

I had four giggling tornadoes playing in the afternoon.

Minimal tears were shed. Much needed conversation was had.

Definitely the best day so far.