Truth

It seems like lately all I do is lie. I lie about why I'm trying to lose weight. My mom asks why the kids are at Misty's so much, I tell her I'm having dental work done. People ask if we've thought about IVF, I say we've thought about it, but I never say we're trying to do it. They ask if we're trying to adopt, we say no - which is actually true, but when it's followed up with "so you're ok with your kids being 10 years apart" or when are you putting your papers in, or are you going to try to get pregnant? Commence the lying.

Ya know what? I'm ok with this.

It was a bit tricky at first. I hate lying and I hate making shiz up to cover my arse about where I've been and what I've been doing. And really? My mom probably knows. She always knows when I'm not telling her something. Damn it. I hate that.

We decided to keep this our most top secretest secret mostly because we want nothing but positive thoughts during this process. I don't need people giving me shit about being a whiner and not being able to tolerate a pregnancy. I don't need someone asking me how we're planning on paying for it, or telling me that it's not the smartest move financially because of the risk involved. I ask myself all the time if we're doing right thing.

The "right" thing. Ha. Let's talk about the "right" thing and why, as I'm about to be struck straight to hell for not caring about it anymore. I've done the "right" thing all my life. Went to church, went to seminary. Didn't date until I was 16. Never smoked or drank. Didn't do the nasty until I was married. Married in the temple. Then, over the past 7 years, I've prayed about every major decision in my life. Even some not so major ones. Where to work, where to live, when to have children, whether or not to do this or that. And I've followed those promptings, to the letter, every time I've gotten one. But where does it leave me? Yes, my husband and I are unable to reproduce on our own. But that's not the entire reason I'm miffed about this. Due to choices that people other than myself or my husband decided to make, we are also unable to adopt. The "right" thing? It's doing nothing for me now. Because I'm still trying to do it. Multiply and replenish the earth, have a family. Hell, I'd sure like to. How would you like me to do that?

Have I prayed and asked my Heavenly Father if IVF is where we should be headed right now in our life? Nope. Am I going to? Nope. Why? Because I don't want to hear the answer "no." For once I just want to do, what I want to do, because I want to do it. I remember being a little kid and thinking, I can ask mom for a cookie, but then she might say no. Or I can just eat a cookie and hope I either don't get caught or don't get in trouble. That's the mindset I'm playing with right now. That of a 9 year old.

Truth be told, I do care. I want to do what's right, it's unfortunately the kind of person that I am. I'm just trying to grasp at anything that I think might give me some sense of control in the situation. Then take my control and hand it over with a fat check to a doctor and give it all to him... that doesn't seem right... hmm...

I had an interesting conversation with Tammy today. We were talking about Alyssa with little babies. She is absolutely hilarious with them. Especially Karlee because Kar is almost 2 years younger than Alyssa, but totally bigger than her. Anywho, I was saying how awesome it is going to be having her so much older with a new baby. She'll be 4 1/2-ish if everything works out. Tammy said, "you really should wait until she turns 4, then look in to some fertility treatments and get pregnant" I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING SO BAD! I tell Tammy everything. What did I do instead? Lied. Said something so gay like "ya, we probably will here sooner or later, but it's just so expensive" Really? Since when am I a financially responsible person. I also threw something in like "would you really like me to do that? Then you all would have to put up with my whining and complaining about how miserable I am..." Then Tammy almost made me cry. She said "ya, but it would be so worth it."

I told Tim about the conversation, he peed a little thinking I spilled the beans. Then he said "Well, there's one supporter for us right?"

Yes indeed.