Of No Feeling

I've felt somewhat dead inside for the last few days. I had a minor breakdown Monday night, or maybe it was Sunday... can't remember now, and haven't quite been the same. My desire to have a little brother or sister for Alyssa has morphed into a longing for a baby. For me. For myself. It's making me feel empty. Literally empty.

I've been resisting the urge lately to reach across the room and slap people upside the head. My cousin's wife, who I'm sure in her own special way means well, called with some breaking information about a fertility clinic in Ogden that "only charges $100 for IVF" Really? Um... no they don't. You're stupid and don't know what you're talking about. "No really, they do. My friend did it." Um... no she didn't. (The chromosome study alone that Tim did was more than 10 times that amount, not to mention the drugs that stimulate your ovaries are right up there too, really along with everything else) Maybe your "friend" is making payments on artificial insemination. She then proceeded to tell me that if nothing is wrong with the woman they don't do anything with her, they just treat the male infertility. SHUT UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING! YOU ARE COMPLETELY INGORANT IN REGARDS TO THIS TOPIC! After I explained to her that artificial isn't an option due to Tim's sperm count, she throws in a "well just get a donor, find some super hot smart guy." Really? That decision is just that easy? Ya, cuz I haven't been thinking about THAT for the last 2 months. AND if I'm going to go the donor route, I'm jacking some sperm and doing it turkey baster style anyway. Who needs an effing clinic for that?

She doesn't even know we're in the IVF process. No one in our family does. I'm beginning to wonder if we should tell them so instead of all their helpful advice on how and when we should acquire another child, they can just ask us how it's going. To which I can reply "Expensive, want to donate to the cause?"

Gag, I need a project to keep my freaking mind off of this, I'm going to go insane...