Peace

Sweet G-ma LaWana came in to Old Navy, out of the blue, and told me she had $500 ready and waiting any time we were ready to try to get pregnant. The days following her visit, and preceding the test results, Tim and I had been discussing our options in regards to how much dinero we'd be able to realistically dish out. IVF is SO far out of our league. So. Far. Even with Gram's 500 smackeroos.

The test results were going to be the determining factor in our decision. If we could boost Tim's sperm count, we'd try artificial insemination (assuming the drugs wouldn't have ANY CHANCE of affecting his kidney). If not we'd get donor sperm and try artificial insemination.

I finally heard from Dr Carrell. He was very apolgetic for taking so long to get back to me. Apparently the morning I had called, he was in his office waiting for my call, and the receptionist didn't even check to see if he was available. So much for my feeling guilty for unleashing the beast on her. I had even thought about taking her cupcakes... lazy bum.

So, the verdict. Tim's hormone's are all within the "normal" range, meaning nothing they can give him will increase his count.

Why did it take them so long to call and tell me that? I'll tell you why. Because Tim and I had to decide what we were going to do before we found out the results. The Lord knew that, I didn't. Had we gotten the results by the original 2 week mark, I would have immediately called and scheduled an IVF consult, slapped thousands of dollars on a credit card and been in WAY over our heads. The Lord knew that too. We weren't being realistic. I wasn't being realistic, and Tim was just trying to make it work and make me happy. Yet another lesson learned by Cassie - and for some reason I still suck at patience.

IUI - Intra-Uterine-Insemination. WIth donor sperm. Thursday night I "shopped" for 2 1/2 hours for sperm. I found nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Ok, a couple "maybes" but nothing that was jumping out at me. And what do I do? I question everything. I start to think this is wierd, I'm going totally against nature. What about natural selection? Our bodies are broken, our gene pool ends here. Especially when I was looking at the details of these donors, their features, interests, areas of expertise... what am I doing? Trying to nit-pick out anything I don't want, adding what I do. Hair color, eye color, height, weight, gpa, freckles, education, talents, hobbies... really? Too much. Too overwhelmed. Thought this is going to take WAY longer than I anticipated. Went. To. Bed.

Yesterday I contemplated that we were making the completely wrong decision and the Lord has washed his hands of us in this area. We're on our own. Then right before I went to bed, I thought I'd just take a peek at one or two profiles, just so I don't blow it off completely. There it was. Little blonde boy - green and blue shirt - darling little hat. I read his essay, the staff impressions and short file. I've not felt the Spirit so strongly through this entire process. I sauntered/staggered in to the living room and told Tim I'd found our donor. He checked it out. He feels good. I feel peace.