Who ever decided that it was a good idea to do a vaginal ultrasound on the third day you're surfing along the crimson tide, ought to be shot. Apparently this is the day of your cycle where "they" can tell the most about your insides. Ovaries, uterus, eggs and the like. Luckily for me, my tide splits itself in half and the third day happens to be the middle where not much is going on.
Yet another day for Cassie spent with nervous energy. In the end, I had to force myself not to laugh.
As I'm sitting, waiting for another stranger to come and take a look at the goods, I decided to scope out the equipment. Doesn't look too bad. Really wanted to play around with the wand. Resisted the urge. Just sat and behaved myself instead. Then the doc comes in. Not my doc, but not a technician either. Another fertility specialist at the clinic. Which, by the way, made me feel pretty good about the place.
He told me that he would be looking at my ovaries, counting the dark circles which contain eggs, and measuring my uterus. Sounds fine to me. I assume "the" position. Nurse hands the doc the magic wand, which, with the jelly looks somewhat like a mini twist cone from the Arctic Circle, when he asks me "Would you like to insert the probe? Or does it matter?" Let the "that's what she said" jokes begin. Not only did I find that question amusing, but what am I supposed to really do with that? Knowing me, I'd put it in upside down or backwards. In answer to the question, it doesn't matter.
The thing that I liked about this was that the results were immediate. Two ovaries, both containing eggs, a uterus with a normal shape and size. Yay!
One down. One to go.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Consult
We had our fertility consult with Dr Keye. To say I was nervous would be a gross understatement. While Tim was appearing calm and mellow reading some humongo novel, I was bouncing my knees up and down, mostly just wondering what kind of person our doctor would be. Old or young. Funny or down to business. Would he mesh well with the Tim and myself or would we be spending the next 90 minutes trying to fill awkward pauses and silence.
The door opened and all anxiety subsided.
Such a fantastically cute looking elderly gentleman, with white hair, glasses and everything. I was going to be just fine.
We dove into our paperwork and discussed everything under the sun related to our reproductive systems. 5 years ago, had we done this, I would have been morbidly embarrassed to hear words like menstrual cycle, ejaculate, period, discharge, and sperm thrown around so loosely. Thank you 7 years of infertility, and thank you to the numerous reproductively challenged friends that I've had similar conversations with regarding some of these very things. Zero weirdness. Kind of a good feeling considering what we're doing.
By the way, did you know that bloating, cramping, acne, food cravings and sore boobs are not only a sign that your monthly visitor is about to arrive, but also a sign that you've ovulated? I did NOT know that. The doc asked me if I thought I ovulated and I told him in the past all the millions of ovulation testing sticks I'd peed on all said negative. Then he asked about all these symptoms associated with my period and said that was actually a sure sign that I was, indeed, ovulating. Well hot dog!
At the conclusion of our discussion, which included all options of fertility treatments, depending on the results of some tests, I was fortunate enough to have an exam. During which I found out that I have a normal shaped uterus, and no cysts on my ovaries. Yay!
Next up on the to-do list? One vaginal ultrasound for me. One hysterosalpingogram for me. One blood test for me. One semen analysis for Tim. Hmm... so far this doesn't seem fair...
The door opened and all anxiety subsided.
Such a fantastically cute looking elderly gentleman, with white hair, glasses and everything. I was going to be just fine.
We dove into our paperwork and discussed everything under the sun related to our reproductive systems. 5 years ago, had we done this, I would have been morbidly embarrassed to hear words like menstrual cycle, ejaculate, period, discharge, and sperm thrown around so loosely. Thank you 7 years of infertility, and thank you to the numerous reproductively challenged friends that I've had similar conversations with regarding some of these very things. Zero weirdness. Kind of a good feeling considering what we're doing.
By the way, did you know that bloating, cramping, acne, food cravings and sore boobs are not only a sign that your monthly visitor is about to arrive, but also a sign that you've ovulated? I did NOT know that. The doc asked me if I thought I ovulated and I told him in the past all the millions of ovulation testing sticks I'd peed on all said negative. Then he asked about all these symptoms associated with my period and said that was actually a sure sign that I was, indeed, ovulating. Well hot dog!
At the conclusion of our discussion, which included all options of fertility treatments, depending on the results of some tests, I was fortunate enough to have an exam. During which I found out that I have a normal shaped uterus, and no cysts on my ovaries. Yay!
Next up on the to-do list? One vaginal ultrasound for me. One hysterosalpingogram for me. One blood test for me. One semen analysis for Tim. Hmm... so far this doesn't seem fair...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Unknown
Anxious - to scared - to nervous - to whatever. I'm over my moment of dramatics. Yes I'm nervous about this appointment. Nervous because I have no idea what they're going to say to us, I don't know what's going to happen. I laugh at myself because I'm worried they're going to tell us we can't be parents. Laughing, hysterically almost. I'm back to our adoption interviews where they actually COULD HAVE told us "ya... um... you guys suck and we're not giving you a baby..."
I'm still worried about it not working, but I've come to grips that there is nothing I can do about that. It's either going to happen, or it's not. The good thing is, I have Alyssa. Instead of dwelling on the fact that things are taking a long time, or aren't going the way we wanted, I have the best distraction in the world. She comes with long blond hair, beautiful blue eyes, and a personality so sweet and funny she makes me about pee my pants every day. I couldn't ask for more.
I'm still worried about it not working, but I've come to grips that there is nothing I can do about that. It's either going to happen, or it's not. The good thing is, I have Alyssa. Instead of dwelling on the fact that things are taking a long time, or aren't going the way we wanted, I have the best distraction in the world. She comes with long blond hair, beautiful blue eyes, and a personality so sweet and funny she makes me about pee my pants every day. I couldn't ask for more.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Paperwork
I made the appointment today. On the 22nd we're scheduled for a fertility consult and work up. They emailed the paperwork to me. Holy shiz, there's a lot. Reminds me of our adoption paperwork. The question that stopped me from filling it out? "How excited are you to conceive?" Excited? Um... scared shitless is more like it. Scared that it won't work. Scared that we will conceive then miscarry. I'm not excited. I'm terrified. What the hell am I doing...
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Procrastination. It's what I'm good at.
For months, literally months, I've been putting this off. Am I in denial? Possibly... probably. Am I ready to face the emotions again? I don't know... probably not. Am I scared of feeling those same emotions that I felt for nearly four years? If I said no, I'd be lying. But I'm going to say no anyway. I think I'm ready. I want to be ready. I want to be brave. I'm putting on my big girl panties and taking the leap. Ready or not, here it comes.
When we found out we wouldn't be having our children the conventional way I started writing in my journal. Not every day, not everything. I would write when we did the "big" things so I would remember dates, but more so that I would remember how I felt as we took each step towards Alyssa's adoption. I wrote about the day I called the agency to request the packet of paperwork to start the process. I remember the calming feeling of peace that I had as I hung up the phone, the Lord confirming to me that we were following His plan for us.
I want to do that with this next venture in our life. I want to remember how I feel as we go through each step, as painful as they may be. I want to see how I grow, and how Tim and I grow as a couple through this process. I'm excited and terrified to finally have our infertility officially diagnosed and treated. Really, I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to expect. The unknown usually stresses the hell right out of me and I get freaked out and do nothing. Perhaps that's why nothing has been done thus far. But perhaps nothing has been done because it hasn't been the time.
Time. Isn't that the damndest thing? You get married. You decide you want a family. You "try" to get pregnant. Nothing happens. First people tell you "What's the rush? You're still so young, you have plenty of time." Then after a few months you're told "Be patient, sometimes it just takes a little time." A few months after that people start to give you their "professional" opinion. "Well if you'd relax... if you'd forget about it... if you'd have more sex... if you quit stressing... stand on your head... elevate your hips... do it during a full moon... pay off your debt and finish your basement" The next thing you know, it's a year later and your loved ones are forced to fall back on the ever faithful "When it's the Lord's time, it will happen." Really? Ok. Perhaps it will.
Along with waiting for the Lord's timing to coincide with my own, I believe you have to do your part to make things happen. Over the last year and a half, IVF has crossed my mind many, many times. Adoption has crossed my mind many times. However, they haven't lingered. Until now. A conversation with my in-laws last Sunday got me thinking about IVF again. It hasn't left my mind. Looks like it's time.
I enjoy the time I have with Alyssa every day. Oh how I love that little girl. She has brought so much happiness and joy in to my life, I honestly don't know how I was ever content before her. I haven't felt like anything was missing in our home. I'll contradict this later if I decide to write any more history here, but I haven't felt any urgency to have another child. Even now I don't know that I feel an urgency to have another baby, or just a need to get started doing something about where we are and where we would like to go.
Yesterday I did some research online. Looked at fertility treatment options, treatment costs and such. I called a couple friends who have friends that have walked this road before. I wanted to know where they went, who they saw, what their experience was. I got anxious waiting for calls to be returned so I went ahead and called one of the offices I'd been looking at. And guess what? The office was closes at 4:30. I had to leave a message. If adoption taught me anything, it was patience. I've waited 7 years to be pregnant. What's another day or two?
When we found out we wouldn't be having our children the conventional way I started writing in my journal. Not every day, not everything. I would write when we did the "big" things so I would remember dates, but more so that I would remember how I felt as we took each step towards Alyssa's adoption. I wrote about the day I called the agency to request the packet of paperwork to start the process. I remember the calming feeling of peace that I had as I hung up the phone, the Lord confirming to me that we were following His plan for us.
I want to do that with this next venture in our life. I want to remember how I feel as we go through each step, as painful as they may be. I want to see how I grow, and how Tim and I grow as a couple through this process. I'm excited and terrified to finally have our infertility officially diagnosed and treated. Really, I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to expect. The unknown usually stresses the hell right out of me and I get freaked out and do nothing. Perhaps that's why nothing has been done thus far. But perhaps nothing has been done because it hasn't been the time.
Time. Isn't that the damndest thing? You get married. You decide you want a family. You "try" to get pregnant. Nothing happens. First people tell you "What's the rush? You're still so young, you have plenty of time." Then after a few months you're told "Be patient, sometimes it just takes a little time." A few months after that people start to give you their "professional" opinion. "Well if you'd relax... if you'd forget about it... if you'd have more sex... if you quit stressing... stand on your head... elevate your hips... do it during a full moon... pay off your debt and finish your basement" The next thing you know, it's a year later and your loved ones are forced to fall back on the ever faithful "When it's the Lord's time, it will happen." Really? Ok. Perhaps it will.
Along with waiting for the Lord's timing to coincide with my own, I believe you have to do your part to make things happen. Over the last year and a half, IVF has crossed my mind many, many times. Adoption has crossed my mind many times. However, they haven't lingered. Until now. A conversation with my in-laws last Sunday got me thinking about IVF again. It hasn't left my mind. Looks like it's time.
I enjoy the time I have with Alyssa every day. Oh how I love that little girl. She has brought so much happiness and joy in to my life, I honestly don't know how I was ever content before her. I haven't felt like anything was missing in our home. I'll contradict this later if I decide to write any more history here, but I haven't felt any urgency to have another child. Even now I don't know that I feel an urgency to have another baby, or just a need to get started doing something about where we are and where we would like to go.
Yesterday I did some research online. Looked at fertility treatment options, treatment costs and such. I called a couple friends who have friends that have walked this road before. I wanted to know where they went, who they saw, what their experience was. I got anxious waiting for calls to be returned so I went ahead and called one of the offices I'd been looking at. And guess what? The office was closes at 4:30. I had to leave a message. If adoption taught me anything, it was patience. I've waited 7 years to be pregnant. What's another day or two?
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