For months, literally months, I've been putting this off. Am I in denial? Possibly... probably. Am I ready to face the emotions again? I don't know... probably not. Am I scared of feeling those same emotions that I felt for nearly four years? If I said no, I'd be lying. But I'm going to say no anyway. I think I'm ready. I want to be ready. I want to be brave. I'm putting on my big girl panties and taking the leap. Ready or not, here it comes.
When we found out we wouldn't be having our children the conventional way I started writing in my journal. Not every day, not everything. I would write when we did the "big" things so I would remember dates, but more so that I would remember how I felt as we took each step towards Alyssa's adoption. I wrote about the day I called the agency to request the packet of paperwork to start the process. I remember the calming feeling of peace that I had as I hung up the phone, the Lord confirming to me that we were following His plan for us.
I want to do that with this next venture in our life. I want to remember how I feel as we go through each step, as painful as they may be. I want to see how I grow, and how Tim and I grow as a couple through this process. I'm excited and terrified to finally have our infertility officially diagnosed and treated. Really, I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to expect. The unknown usually stresses the hell right out of me and I get freaked out and do nothing. Perhaps that's why nothing has been done thus far. But perhaps nothing has been done because it hasn't been the time.
Time. Isn't that the damndest thing? You get married. You decide you want a family. You "try" to get pregnant. Nothing happens. First people tell you "What's the rush? You're still so young, you have plenty of time." Then after a few months you're told "Be patient, sometimes it just takes a little time." A few months after that people start to give you their "professional" opinion. "Well if you'd relax... if you'd forget about it... if you'd have more sex... if you quit stressing... stand on your head... elevate your hips... do it during a full moon... pay off your debt and finish your basement" The next thing you know, it's a year later and your loved ones are forced to fall back on the ever faithful "When it's the Lord's time, it will happen." Really? Ok. Perhaps it will.
Along with waiting for the Lord's timing to coincide with my own, I believe you have to do your part to make things happen. Over the last year and a half, IVF has crossed my mind many, many times. Adoption has crossed my mind many times. However, they haven't lingered. Until now. A conversation with my in-laws last Sunday got me thinking about IVF again. It hasn't left my mind. Looks like it's time.
I enjoy the time I have with Alyssa every day. Oh how I love that little girl. She has brought so much happiness and joy in to my life, I honestly don't know how I was ever content before her. I haven't felt like anything was missing in our home. I'll contradict this later if I decide to write any more history here, but I haven't felt any urgency to have another child. Even now I don't know that I feel an urgency to have another baby, or just a need to get started doing something about where we are and where we would like to go.
Yesterday I did some research online. Looked at fertility treatment options, treatment costs and such. I called a couple friends who have friends that have walked this road before. I wanted to know where they went, who they saw, what their experience was. I got anxious waiting for calls to be returned so I went ahead and called one of the offices I'd been looking at. And guess what? The office was closes at 4:30. I had to leave a message. If adoption taught me anything, it was patience. I've waited 7 years to be pregnant. What's another day or two?
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