The "Post" Visit

We had a doctor's appointment last Thursday. We met with Dr Keye, talked about both the physical and emotional aspects of our loss and made a plan for where we want to go in the future.

We have to wait for my second period to start before we can start the ovulation count down. Still waiting for my first one to start. It seems like this is taking FOREVER!!! I feel like everything happened months ago, but it was really just 3 weeks ago. Ug... October will never come.

Back on the Crazies...

In my mind, the extra hormones my body was producing during the short time I was all knocked up treated my depression quite nicely. I had more energy, more motivation and was happier during that two weeks than I have been without my medication in years. YEARS! Perhaps it was all in my messed up little head. Finally having what I'd been wanting for so long.

Though I was devastated when I found out my dreams of being with child were being flushed down the pooper, I wasn't depressed. Sad, angry, hateful and every other emotion out there, but not depressed.

Today that depression is rearing it's ugly head. I haven't taken my Lexapro since July 5th. I've been fine until today. Last Thursday I had my first of what would be my weekly blood tests. My hcg hormone was 3. What little bit of extra hormones I had are officially gone. And today I'm feeling it.

Today, I'm back in the funk. All I did, all day long, was lay on the couch. Then I got up and did a wee bit o research. There's not been a lot of research on lexapro and pregnancy, but what they have found is that it's not safe to take after 20 weeks. Honestly, I don't want to take it at all once I am pregnant. I don't really want the risk. But... I gotta do something.

Calling the doc tomorrow. Gotta find out when we can go for round 2, if they're going to put me on clomid, and how these happy pills are going to fall in to place. It would be nice if I could safely take them through the first tri-mester... or just through the first 8-10 weeks... or if I didn't need them at all... grrr....

A Better Day

Yesterday was a good day.

Alyssa told me I was "hot and skinny."

I got to go to Kim's and snuggle on Camilla... blissful.

I had four giggling tornadoes playing in the afternoon.

Minimal tears were shed. Much needed conversation was had.

Definitely the best day so far.

Pondering this today.

Mrs r posted snippets of a talk, given by Neil A Maxwell, on her blog today. For the first time I clicked on the link and read the whole talk. Now I'm thinking about it.

Pondering often precedes contentment.

Such contentment is more than shoulder-shrugging passivity. It reflects our participative assent rather than uncaring resignation.

The Lord knows our circumstances and the intents of our hearts, and surely the talents and gifts He has given us. He is able to gauge perfectly how we have performed within what is allotted to us, including by lifting up some of the many surrounding hands that hang down. Thus, yearning for expanded opportunities while failing to use those at hand is bad form spiritually.

What we could and have done within our allotted acreage, therefore, is known perfectly by the Master of the vineyard.

I've been bitter and angry and I've said and thought some pretty nasty things. I think I've been justified in my feelings, but I think it's time to be a bit more rational. The shock has worn off. I'm still upset. I still wish things were different. But the reality is, it's not. What happened, happened. It's crappy, but it happened. Now what am I going to do with it? How am I going to handle what I've been given? Hopefully the way my Father in Heaven believes that I can.

I called the doctor today. I'll be getting weekly blood tests until the hcg hormone goes down to zero. On Friday it was in the 40s so hopefully that won't take long. They don't know how long I'll continue to bleed or how long it will take to get down to zero. So once again, we're waiting.

After I'm at zero, I wait for my period to present its stupid self and we start counting days, peeing on sticks and waiting to ovulate. Then it will be time for round 2... hopefully we have a better outcome than round 1.

I feel weird. I don't feel like I lost a baby with this miscarriage. Let's just be honest, there wasn't one there. It never developed. So what exactly did I lose? Something... I definitely feel like I've lost something... I do feel like I'm still waiting for my baby, the same baby I was waiting for when we found out we were pregnant. Not a different one... I don't know, it's weird. I don't like weird. I like to name things, feelings, know what's missing or what's here. I don't like the in between...

Rage just doesn't seem to cut it.

With all the shit we've been through during our marriage, all the crap that's been so kindly handed to us on a silver platter, never, NEVER, have I asked "why us?" Sometimes I didn't ask because I knew the answer. Foolish decisions do have consequences. Sometimes real shitty consequences.

When we found out we wouldn't be having children the conventional way, so what? It sucked, sure. But we put in our papers and started waiting for Alyssa. When other adoptions fell through, I didn't have a mongo pity party, questioning God's plan, thinking I was in the depths of despair. Again, it SUCKED, really bad it sucked, but we accepted that it wasn't our time and moved on.

Tim loses his job, can't find one to support our family. I go back to work. We lose $50K. We can't sell our house. We can't adopt. Tim needs a new kidney. We can hardly pay our bills. Well, shit happens. It sucked. We complained. But we always knew it could be worse, and never said why us.

I have always hated when people say "why me?" I've rolled my eyes at that. Maybe because the people I hear it from most are people who have NOTHING to be bitching about. At least in my mind, nothing. Do you want financial problems? Have mine! Oh, you "tried" 3 months before you were able to "finally" get pregnant? Suck it.

So fine. Here I am. Swallowing my piece of humble pie and asking WHY ME? WHY THE HELL US?! This was supposed to finally work out us. My baby boy was supposed to be growing inside me right now. I'm supposed to hear his heart beat in a couple weeks. Why did this happen? Why did I get a blessing that specifically said I would carry and deliver THIS child that would grow and serve if one week later it was over?! WHY? WHY? WHY?!?!

I hate this. I'm still bleeding. Every time I go to the bathroom I'm reminded what's happening. And I go to the bathroom a lot. I need this to be over.

I am glad that I'm feeling something. Yesterday I thought I had lost my soul. I signed online and saw 5 different families posting about their brand new babies. I was happy for them. Absolutely elated to see those photos. I saw Ice Age, where Mama Mammoth was experiencing labor pains and talking about having the baby through the entire movie, Sid the Sloth found 3 dino eggs and became the baby dinos mommy. I laughed and just thought how ironic is this? I talked to Jonathan, who had his baby girl at 12:30 am on July 31st. I started bleeding that very afternoon. I didn't feel anything during this. Just how ironic all this is coming about today. The day I thought would be one of the hardest.

Didn't cry at all yesterday until I was putting Alyssa to bed. She was fighting me, I was getting frustrated. I lost my patience and yelled at her. She cried. I cried. She kept telling me she was sorry and wanted me to be happy. Such a tender little soul she has. I told her it wasn't her fault mommy was crying and to stop saying she was sorry. She's perfect. She has nothing to apologize for. I would die if I didn't have her.

I hate this. I want it to be over, but I don't. Because when it's over, I'll need closure. How am I going to find that?