Pondering this today.

Mrs r posted snippets of a talk, given by Neil A Maxwell, on her blog today. For the first time I clicked on the link and read the whole talk. Now I'm thinking about it.

Pondering often precedes contentment.

Such contentment is more than shoulder-shrugging passivity. It reflects our participative assent rather than uncaring resignation.

The Lord knows our circumstances and the intents of our hearts, and surely the talents and gifts He has given us. He is able to gauge perfectly how we have performed within what is allotted to us, including by lifting up some of the many surrounding hands that hang down. Thus, yearning for expanded opportunities while failing to use those at hand is bad form spiritually.

What we could and have done within our allotted acreage, therefore, is known perfectly by the Master of the vineyard.

I've been bitter and angry and I've said and thought some pretty nasty things. I think I've been justified in my feelings, but I think it's time to be a bit more rational. The shock has worn off. I'm still upset. I still wish things were different. But the reality is, it's not. What happened, happened. It's crappy, but it happened. Now what am I going to do with it? How am I going to handle what I've been given? Hopefully the way my Father in Heaven believes that I can.

I called the doctor today. I'll be getting weekly blood tests until the hcg hormone goes down to zero. On Friday it was in the 40s so hopefully that won't take long. They don't know how long I'll continue to bleed or how long it will take to get down to zero. So once again, we're waiting.

After I'm at zero, I wait for my period to present its stupid self and we start counting days, peeing on sticks and waiting to ovulate. Then it will be time for round 2... hopefully we have a better outcome than round 1.

I feel weird. I don't feel like I lost a baby with this miscarriage. Let's just be honest, there wasn't one there. It never developed. So what exactly did I lose? Something... I definitely feel like I've lost something... I do feel like I'm still waiting for my baby, the same baby I was waiting for when we found out we were pregnant. Not a different one... I don't know, it's weird. I don't like weird. I like to name things, feelings, know what's missing or what's here. I don't like the in between...