With all the shit we've been through during our marriage, all the crap that's been so kindly handed to us on a silver platter, never, NEVER, have I asked "why us?" Sometimes I didn't ask because I knew the answer. Foolish decisions do have consequences. Sometimes real shitty consequences.
When we found out we wouldn't be having children the conventional way, so what? It sucked, sure. But we put in our papers and started waiting for Alyssa. When other adoptions fell through, I didn't have a mongo pity party, questioning God's plan, thinking I was in the depths of despair. Again, it SUCKED, really bad it sucked, but we accepted that it wasn't our time and moved on.
Tim loses his job, can't find one to support our family. I go back to work. We lose $50K. We can't sell our house. We can't adopt. Tim needs a new kidney. We can hardly pay our bills. Well, shit happens. It sucked. We complained. But we always knew it could be worse, and never said why us.
I have always hated when people say "why me?" I've rolled my eyes at that. Maybe because the people I hear it from most are people who have NOTHING to be bitching about. At least in my mind, nothing. Do you want financial problems? Have mine! Oh, you "tried" 3 months before you were able to "finally" get pregnant? Suck it.
So fine. Here I am. Swallowing my piece of humble pie and asking WHY ME? WHY THE HELL US?! This was supposed to finally work out us. My baby boy was supposed to be growing inside me right now. I'm supposed to hear his heart beat in a couple weeks. Why did this happen? Why did I get a blessing that specifically said I would carry and deliver THIS child that would grow and serve if one week later it was over?! WHY? WHY? WHY?!?!
I hate this. I'm still bleeding. Every time I go to the bathroom I'm reminded what's happening. And I go to the bathroom a lot. I need this to be over.
I am glad that I'm feeling something. Yesterday I thought I had lost my soul. I signed online and saw 5 different families posting about their brand new babies. I was happy for them. Absolutely elated to see those photos. I saw Ice Age, where Mama Mammoth was experiencing labor pains and talking about having the baby through the entire movie, Sid the Sloth found 3 dino eggs and became the baby dinos mommy. I laughed and just thought how ironic is this? I talked to Jonathan, who had his baby girl at 12:30 am on July 31st. I started bleeding that very afternoon. I didn't feel anything during this. Just how ironic all this is coming about today. The day I thought would be one of the hardest.
Didn't cry at all yesterday until I was putting Alyssa to bed. She was fighting me, I was getting frustrated. I lost my patience and yelled at her. She cried. I cried. She kept telling me she was sorry and wanted me to be happy. Such a tender little soul she has. I told her it wasn't her fault mommy was crying and to stop saying she was sorry. She's perfect. She has nothing to apologize for. I would die if I didn't have her.
I hate this. I want it to be over, but I don't. Because when it's over, I'll need closure. How am I going to find that?
1 comment:
Oh my Cassifrass. How I love you more than I can even describe to you.
I have seriously been coming here daily, and for some reason this past week I didn't come here once...it kills me and breaks my heart to know you were suffering through this for almost a week before I knew about it. I love you. In some small way I do know a bit of what you are feeling. This is a shitty shitty thing. Scream, yell, throw things, do what you need to do. Get your closure somehow. I don't know, prayer helped me, even when I was feeling a bit angry with Heavenly Father.
Please know I am here for you. Come hold Camilla anytime you want. She is a testimony that miracles do happen, it just takes time. Thank you for reminding me of that! Love you sweetie!
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